


Depravity

by Jainasolo17



Category: Bill Hader Fandom, IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Domestic Violence, Dominant Richie Tozier, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:08:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22043065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jainasolo17/pseuds/Jainasolo17
Summary: Rchie Tozier is becoming a successful comedian in Los Angeles, but he's just been dumped. Wallowing in self-hatred, he meets someone who may change everything. But then a call from his past interrupts.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Richie Tozier/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 20





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mix of movie and book canon, so this Richie is bi. Setting is four months before the return to Derry. 
> 
> Additional warnings: rough sex, angst, mentions of domestic violence
> 
> Also sorry about no indentations. Whatever I do I can't get them right.

The bustle of the cafe was annoying Richie Tozier. He had come here to find quiet, but the hipsters behind him were playing some fucking loud boardgame. What ever happened to monopoly and checkers? Jesus, he was old. He started at his cellphone, trying to concentrate on the latest email from his agent. It was good news- as mostly everything he was hearing about his career was these days. Somehow people seemed to like his act. Somehow things were taking off.  
So many dates. So why did he feel like such shit? He had just done a set on the Tonight Show. His agent had suggested he hire a writer for his jokes because he said “every famous comedian did it.” Richie heard this as every famous sellout did it and had balked at the idea. Maybe his agent was right. He was going to need more material. There was never enough. And how could there possibly be enough to cover this many shows? If he was getting as popular as his agent told him he was people would be going to multiple shows and expecting new shit all the time. His agent had told him about the money he could expect to make if he really made it big. Those numbs were tempting, he had to admit. The money was already nice. He could buy a new car with that so-called sellout money. He could buy two cars.  
And how could he worry about his career now when he had just been unceremoniously dumped by Margot? Just last night she had screamed at him, told him he was uncompetent, a bad lay, cold, unfeeling, and selfish. How much of that was true? Probably all of it. He was a piece of shit human being and he could barely deny it. Selfish? Definitely. Hearing about her day had always bored him, even when they were in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. Unfeeling? Sure. Some days he felt like he was just going through the motions of life. Nothing held him but being on stage, feeding on people’s laughter.  
Even lying in bed holding Margot he usually felt nothing. He was with her because… because why? She made his cock hard. She gave good blowjobs. She took his mind off of his self hatred which was always threatening to boil to the surface. She was right. He had used her. He was worthless. He sat with his head in his hands, cursing himself under his breath.  
“Hey, are you Richie Tozier?” A voice said to his right. He looked up to see a man in his early 20s, clean cut with a startlingly attractive smile. “Oh wow, it is you. Can I uh… have your autograph?” Richie’s first instinct was to snap. He was obviously in the middle of a semi-public breakdown. He must look like total shit, too. But this dude, this dude was…  
As the guy smiled expectantly at him, Richie felt a strange warmth and a blush start. This guy was muscular, wearing a too tight shirt which showed off the swell of his chest. And his arms... he was hot. Fuck. Richie pushed that down and cleared his throat.  
“Uh, sure. What do you want me to sign?” The guy handed him a napkin and a pen which he had been holding behind his back.  
“It’s Nate. I saw your show in Sacramento and just caught you on the Tonight Show. Dude, you’re hilarious.” Richie signed it quickly, smiling politely while trying not to notice the smell of the guy’s cologne. Then ass he handed the napkin and pen back to him, their hands brushed and he felt that tingle of attraction again..  
“Thanks.” He said looking into the guy’s eyes and noticing that they were a very pretty green. What was wrong with him these days? He watched the guy retreat back to his friends and begin excitedly talking to them. About him? This pleased Richie. That attention, that validation, that was all that he had ever craved. Every laugh from an audience was them telling him “yes you are funny. Despite all those people who had made fun of him as he was growing up, despite every person who had ever accused him of being obnoxious, people liked him.  
Of course he wanted to be famous. Success was the entire point of pursuing a career in comedy.. But why did literally everything he does lately seem to fill him with unease? He needed a drink. He needed several drinks; anything that would help him forget Margot.  
Things had once been good between them even though he had always been somewhat of a dick. He had loved her. When they had first gotten together she had laughed at all of his jokes. They had fun. She had been with him when he was just a nobody from rural Maine, but she never cared about that. She didn’t seem to be very interested in his new fame either. But somewhere along the line things had gone sour. He guessed that they always did.  
After a while he decided it was time to get out of the coffee shop and go home. The noise was too much. The guy at the cafe had stirred him, had stirred his cock more like it. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. He wanted to do something about it. When he walked in the door, he threw his coat on the chair by the door and weighed his options as he stood in his front hallway. He’s severely tempted to jerk off; thoughts of that guy’s chest filled his head. Thinking of men was something that he did very occasionally. He had made a pact with himself not to analyze this behavior in himself. It was just a thing that he did sometimes. Did it mean anything? Absolutely not. Gay was something that other people were. He liked pussy. Hadn’t he just spent a full hour eating Margot out two days before they broke up? How could she want to dump a guy who did that?  
Later that night at the bar, he ordered a double scotch and sipped it, determined to get drunk. He still had his leather jacket on, the bar was chilly. He ran a hand through his hair, which Margot had lovingly called his jew fro when he had been more in her good graces. Thinking of her was causing him actual pain. They had been together for seven years. He had let her talk him into getting a vasectomy because she never wanted children. This had been a fight. For him it was like letting part of his manhood go. Perhaps it was a prehistoric attitude to attach that much significance to his own potency, but it was how he felt. He liked knowing he could knock someone up if he ever wanted to, and she had taken that from him. It had been one of the many ultimatums she issued during the relationship. Do it or I’ll leave, she had threatened and the fear of her leaving him gripped him so badly that he had no choice but to comply. Maybe he would reverse it. That was something people could do, wasn’t it?  
She was his first serious relationship, at 32. He was aware of how pathetic that was. He had trouble letting anyone in and for years all of his relationships were only fucking. But then Margot had come. Margot had dazzled him. She had seen through his bullshit and got to him like no one else ever had or maybe anyone ever would. It had taken him so long to find her, how would he ever find anyone else? Maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he shouldn’t. Perhaps all he would do is hurt people. It was obvious he had done that to Margot. She was now like a shell of the person she was before she met him. He had bled her dry.  
“Hey, can I interrupt your sexy brooding?” A sultry voice beside him suddenly asked. He looked over and saw a gorgeous woman with shoulder length dark hair, high cheekbones, and full lips. She was giving him a smile that lit up her entire face. She was wearing an oh so tight black dress that was just a little bit short, revealing a lot of thigh. He noticed that as he tried to subtly check her out. The look that she gave him told him he wasn’t subtle enough to go unnoticed.  
“Why do you want to talk to me?” He asked, suspicious of her motives. Was she one of those high class con artists you always saw in movies? Could she smell the new money on him and couldn’t wait to rip him off? He had just received a large check in the mail.  
“Tall, broad shouldered, handsome stranger at the bar drinking alone? Why wouldn’t I want to talk to him?”  
“That’s not me.” He said, turning back to his drink to take another sip. The ice clinked in the glass as he set it down on the bar again.  
“Oh, but it is.” She said, putting her hand gently on top of his. Her skin was soft and gentle. Her insistence was intriguing. He turned to her again and saw that she was slowly licking her lips as she regarded him. Jesus, she was hot. He could already feel his cock getting hard as the muscles in his abdomen tensed. “And forgive me if I’m being too forward, but.” She turned her body towards him, her legs falling apart at the knee so that his body was in between them. Then she leaned in until her lips were nearly brushing his ear and he could feel her warm breath, prickling the hairs on the back of his neck. “You look like you could really use a good fuck.” The way that she drew out the “f” in fuck made his entire body stiffen. He adjusted himself in the stool in a desperate attempt to conceal his straining erection, at least a little bit.  
“Do you have a friend over there who put you on a dare?” He said, looking around the bar as if trying to locate this friend. “They said ‘’Hey see if you can get that sad sack of shit to agree to leave with you and then we’ll have a good laugh about it?”  
“No. I’m just your average lady looking for a lay. You look like a guy who is also trying to forget something. And you’re a big, sexy man, too. I’d like to climb you.” Oh this was tempting, so very tempting. This would be a return to how he had been before Margot, mindless sex. He could prove something with it, feel something, anything- feel alive.  
Something in him stirred. He could teach this woman a lesson. What was she thinking playing this game with a complete stranger? He could be rough. He could use her, do all of those things to her that Margot would never let him because she claimed to be too dignified for them. He could pound the shit out of her, hurt her (within reason) and make her so sore in the morning that she’d hesitate to ever try something like this again. He turned to look at her again, this time trailing his eyes down her body slowly as he considered. Her breasts were generous and pert, her waist was small, and the curve of her hips so enticing it led his gaze to her ample ass. He would enjoy spanking it.  
“Alright you want to go engage in some self-destructing behavior together? My place or yours?” Then she shifted uncomfortably in her seat as a shadow crossed her face.  
“I can’t go to mine, that’s part of what I’m trying to forget.”  
“Okay, well before we go- I’d better warn you. I’m not going to be gentle. At all.” She slid off her bar stool and sidled up beside him, pressing her body into his, her knee between his legs.  
“Great. I like pain. Punish me, please. Use me.” She had said the magic words. Seized with desire, he lifted his hand to her chin and turned her face into his, crushing their lips together. He kissed her deeply and when the kiss broke, bit her lower lip, hard. She gasped, and brought her hand to her mouth.  
“You’re sure about that?”  
“Yesss.” She said, staring deeply into his eyes and drawing out the word. Hers were a deep brown and they were filled with desire for him- why? Fuck it if he knew. But he was going to enjoy this. He dug out his wallet and left a twenty on the bar. He hadn’t even had to buy this lady a drink and she was wet for him. What the fuck was her damage, anyway?  
He called them a cab as they walked out front. He had come there intending to get drunk. There was no way he would have driven. She walked a few steps in front of him and he watched her ass intently. She had one of those asses that she couldn’t help but swing it seductively as she walked. God, how could her waist be so small when her ass was so squeezable? And her calves in those heels were so shapely. This woman was gorgeous. He felt an urge to goose her, but decided to restrain himself until they weren’t in public anymore. He wondered idly if she were leading him to his death. Fuck it, he thought, this would be a good way to die.  
On the curb, she turned to him as soon as they stopped walking and stepped into him, standing as close as possible with her chin angled up toward his. At first she just breathed into neck, smelling him, he thought. This woman practically exuded sex. Then she said,  
“You’re so big.” She slid a hand under his jacket, over his pecs. “Are you big… other places?” She asked, suggestively. He took her other hand and placed it between his legs. His erection had faded into a semi by now, but he heard her gasp anyway. He watched her mouth intently, that oh so seductive mouth, and her delicate throat and he could tell that she was breathing more quickly now. “Wow. So, big hands, big feet.” She squeezed, “And not even fucking hard yet. You’re going to split me apart.”  
“You said you like pain.” He put his mouth on hers and kissed her passionately, not any gentler than he had before and he couldn’t resist placing his hand on her back and sliding it down to cup her ass. It was fully dark and no one was around that he could see, but all the same he wasn’t usually one for PDA. It was as if he was losing his mind. This beautiful stranger had him under some kind of spell.  
Luckily the cab came quickly. He was beginning to worry he might fuck her right on the street if he had to wait much longer. In the cab, they did not talk, which he thought was unusual, but this woman, whatever was going on with her and was stirring behind those beautiful dark eyes, she wasn’t about to tell him anything about that. He respected this. Let her be a stranger. It would make using her body for his pleasure easier- nothing to humanize her.  
He could not resist keeping his hand on her leg for the ride, though. To tease her he drew circles on her knee with his fingers and every so often would push her skirt up a fraction of an inch more, revealing more and more of her milky white thighs. Her skin was soft, her flesh so sensitive that he could see the flush of red on her throat. The ability to turn such a beautiful woman on with such simple actions made him feel powerful. This is what he liked most about sex with women- dominating them. He had long ago stopped to question why. Nothing was more enjoyable to him then teasing a woman until she was about to burst and then pinning her to the bed as he railed her.  
Fuck, he was getting hard again and they only had at least another ten minutes to go. She was watching his crotch intently, he realized. Focused. He liked that. She didn’t even pretend to care about his face. This was primal, cock-focused. Maybe he’d take her from behind so he could get a good view of that ass. Her face was gorgeous, too. He wanted to see her expression as he pounded her. A dilemma.  
Finally they were back at his place. He led her to the door and let her in. Something flashed in her eyes when she turned to him after he had closed the door.  
“I just broke-’ She started to say, but he put his hand over her mouth to stop her.  
“I don’t care.” Cruel. He thought, but also inaccurate. He just wanted her to be a mystery. She gulped and froze. He had scared her, he realized. As much as she may be into power play, she was still a woman alone with a man she had just met- a man who could, even though he was certainly a wimp, kill her. He loosened his grip and said more softly. “Shh… I just think if we don’t talk-” She nodded, understanding crossing her face. Then her tongue escaped her lips and he moved his hand to the back of her head to seize her mouth with his. They kissed, passionately, roughly. She moaned into him. “Say stop if I go too far.” He told her when they came up for air..  
“I will.” She said, and he wasn’t entirely sure if she believed he would comply or not. All that mattered is he knew himself and he knew he would.  
It was time to stop thinking rationally. He grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled her head back roughly, leaning his head down to kiss her neck, alternating biting and sucking. Her body was relaxed. She was allowing him to do this. He felt the rush of power that always came with domination. It was intoxicating. It electrified him. He could make her do whatever he wanted and she would willingly comply.  
He released her hair and slid his hands down over her breasts to her stomach so that he could pull it up. He dipped his face into her cleavage and pulled the cups of her bra down, revealing her big, perfectly pink nipples. His mouth immediately watered and he bent to take one in his mouth. He was vaguely aware that she had finished taking her shirt off and dropped it on the floor. He sucked loudly and raked his teeth over her nipple.  
“Oh god.” she groaned, as he moved to the other nipple and reached around to take her bra off. Her hands went to his head and she began to run her fingers through his hair. Then he bit her nipple again,making her cry out; music to his ears.  
He kneeled down and slid his hands up the backs of her legs, taking the skirt with them. He gripped her underwear and pulled it down over the swell of her ass as he buried his face in her pussy. She parted her legs to give him more access to her. He licked at her, only intending to give her a small taste. This was supposed to be punishing her. With that thought, he squeezed her ass cheeks roughly and then let go, then smacked her ass as hard as he could manage from that angle.  
“Oh yes, spank me.” He did it again. They both stood up and she shimmied out of her skirt.  
“Be careful what you ask for.” He growled.  
“I know what I want.” She said, staring at him, challenging him, he thought. She was so tiny he decided to take his size advantage and run with it. He picked her up and hoisted her over his shoulder and she cried out. On the way to the bedroom, he spanked her again.  
Once in the bedroom he threw her on the bed. Then he threw off his jacket and climbed on top of her. He grabbed her wrists and held them to the bed. She was exquisite, squirming under him, completely naked. Just yesterday, in this very room, he and Margot had that final fight. Thinking of this made him angry and he bent down and bit her shoulder. This made her grunt and she struggled against him to move her arms; futilely.  
“You like to fight?” She nodded eagerly. Hurt me, she had said. He was squeezing her wrists with more force than he had ever used on a woman. And then, Jesus Christ, she spit in his face and grinned at him.This sparked some kind of primal reaction in him as the warm spittle rolled down his cheek. It was hot. Unbelievably hot.  
Feeling as if he was having an out of body experience, he removed his right hand from her wrist and slapped her, gently, cupping his hand to dull it. For a moment he couldn’t believe what he had done. Her eyes were full of passion. This crazy bitch loved it.  
“Do it again.” She urged. “Harder.” He did. This time he heard the slap and could see a mark on her cheek where his hand had landed. His hand slid to her chin and he gripped it, spreading his fingers over her delicate throat. As he looked into her eyes he saw no fear there, only that silent encouragement. Did this woman want to die? He withdrew his hands to wipe his face and rolled off of her. Then he unceremoniously rolled her over onto her stomach, intending to give her what she had asked for.  
She lay still beside him, having elevated her hips so her perfect ass was accentuated. He spanked her once, sharply, and enjoyed the sound of it. She moaned. Then he hit her again, once, twice.. Three times, before finally taking a small break to rub her ass cheeks. They were bright red. She would feel this in the morning. Good. He spanked her long past when he would normally stop, but she did not protest beyond her moaning.  
“Roll over.” He commanded her. When she does, he quickly undid his belt and pulled his zipper down, taking his pants off as fast as he can. Then he crawled to her, grabbed her hair again, and forced his cock down her throat. Even though he was rough, he still watched her hands for any sign of resisting. She did not resist. She took it, she deep throated him. She didn’’t even gag. This woman was a cock-sucking hero. When he finally pulled his cock out she was grinning.  
He decided to take her face to face because he wanted to look into her eyes. That raw, animal lust was still present and he still had that overwhelming desire to hurt her. He fucked her mercilessly- harder than he has ever dared to do it before. Even though the woman under him was a complete stranger, for a moment he pictured Margot. Yes. He was channeling his rage toward her, he knew.  
She dug her nails into his shoulders, his back. It hurt, but the pain mixed with his pleasure was nearly overwhelming. He bit her again and again, leaving marks. When he came he felt it throughout his entire body, one of the best orgasms of his life. He came inside of her (oh god, with a stranger). Neither of them had so much as mentioned condoms.  
When he rolled off of her, she was sweaty, gorgeous, panting. He lay beside her and watched her breasts rise and fall. He was not done yet, he decided. Lust had gripped him again. He pulled her over to him and urged her to sit on his face. She did. And he ate her with his own cum running out of her- the dirtiest thing he had done in his life, he thought. He ate her for so long that he was starting to get hard again, his cock twitching incessantly on his thigh. Then he fucked her from behind, just as hard as before, pulling her hair. The best of both worlds.  
They were both exhausted. He kissed her one last time, trying to do it sweetly. He tried to pull her in for a cuddle, but she pulled away climbed out of the bed, standing up. At first he thought she was going to use the bathroom, but she started looking for her clothes.  
“Hey.” He said, “You can stay. At least let me buy you breakfast or something. Jesus, I didn’t even buy you a drink-”  
“I have to go. She said, hastily pulling on her underwear. He could see his marks on her. There were bite marks on her shoulders and bruises starting to form on her tits. And her ass was still bright red.  
“Well, can I get your number?” She looked at him, apparently surprised.  
“Fine.” She gave it to him and he jotted it on a piece of paper he found on the nightstand.  
“Wait, what’s your name?” He felt ashamed he didn’t ask her before.  
“Alise.”  
“Mine’s Richie.”  
“I’ve seen your act.” She said, simply, continuing to dress. She must have seen his shock because she added “Don’t worry, I’m not a starfucker. I just think you’re hot.”  
“When did you realize it was me?” she laughed, and that smile did things to him. He could fall in love with this woman. What a crazy thing to think about someone who he had just ravaged, and someone who was running out of his bedroom.  
“You’re asking if I stalked you? I didn’t know until I sat down and got you to look at me. I was already going to hit on you. It didn't make a difference to me.” I don’t care who you are. Her tone was saying .”What are you going to do with my number? Are you going to take me to a nice dinner?”  
“I could.” He said, feeling himself prickling at her tone. She scoffed.  
“No one raws a woman like that and then wants to show her off to his friends.” She was completely dressed at that point.  
“You enjoyed it, though?” He asked, wanting her approval.  
“You shouldn’t need to ask that. You felt me come. This was fun.” She said, but then she gave him a small wave and walked out.  
Richie looked in the mirror when she had gone, naked. He was covered in scratches. She drew blood on his back. Who the fuck am I? He wondered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mentions of domestic violence

The next morning Alise woke up on her friend’s couch, exhausted and sore. There was a dull ache between her legs and she had scrapes on her toes from the uncomfortable shoes she had worn the night before. Groaning, she rolled off the couch, pulling down the t-shirt she had been sleeping in. She made her way to the bathroom, which was thankfully empty. Jenna must have already left for work. She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. There were bite marks on her shoulder, bruises on her side, and another bite mark on her stomach. Scratches marked her back, as well as more bruises. She looked more like she had been in a fight than she had gotten laid. Great. Her face looked fine, though. That was good. No one could tell by looking at her what a slut she had been. 

What would Matt do if he knew? Probably kill her. She thought. That was why she was staying here with Jenna. She had finally escaped him. The bruises from him had just healed and what had she done? She had gone out and got another guy to manhandle her. But this had been her choice. She had been in control of it, hadn’t she? And she had proved that she was able to have meaningless sex. 

She had used Richie and knew he probably wouldn’t call. That was fine. She had to have meaningless sex to rebound, didn’t she? But unprotected sex with a stranger? That had been particularly stupid. She had gone into the bar with the intention of picking someone up and had every intention of insisting on a condom, even had some in her purse. But then she had lost herself in lust and had just thought “Fuck it, if I die, I die.”

Richie was so handsome, though. And he had such a big dick. Not only that, but he was good with it, too. She wasn’t sure she had ever come that hard. When had she become someone who reduced people to their genitals? It was only a one night stand. Who cared? Still, she couldn’t help but feel slightly ashamed of herself.

Like a jolt, she felt inspiration come to her. _Shit._ Where was her laptop? She scrambled around the room until she finally found it, underneath a pile which included her jacket, her bra, and fast food wrappers from her dinner last night. She sat back on the couch heavily with the computer and opened it up, beginning to type furiously. 

This book was a beast. She had already published one, but this one was much more personal and therefore much harder for her to get out. She was writing about Matt. Of course it was fiction and she couldn’t name him or make it explicitly autobiographical or he could sue her. Honestly, being sued was the least of her worries. Matt could show up any day looking for. She shivered. _If he shows up, I’ll fight back this time._

She had told herself this before. There was a time when she had believed she could do this. Once she had worked up the courage. “I’ll stand up to him, I’ll do it.” She had repeated over and over. She even convinced herself he wouldn’t hit her again. It had to be out of his system. If only she didn’t fuck up so much he wouldn’t have reason to--- But then he had flipped on her, turned on a dime from something as stupid as being unable to find his socks. He had thrown her up against a wall and choked her and she was terrified, her resolve died. She couldn’t hit him, even though he did it to her with such ease, as if she was nothing. And then after, of course, he would cry, apologize and promise it would never happen again. But it always did. 

The question of why she had stayed so long was one that she would grapple with for the rest of her life, she knew. Partially it was because he had convinced her she was trash. He had told her she would never find anyone else. She was lucky to have him, lucky that he put up with her bullshit. And for two years she had believed him. But also there was the truth that when things were good between them, they were _really good._ He had been so kind at first.

The last straw had been the day she had discovered he was hiding her birth control pills. She wanted a baby _one day._ But she did not want a baby with a man who had once broken her arm because he thought she smiled too warmly at another man. No, she would not bring a baby into that house. If she were ever going to be a mother she would need to get out. So she did. 

Jenna had helped her formulate a plan. She was a good friend. Although Alise had not had much contact with her since dating Matt, she was immediately on board with helping. He had cut her off from nearly all of her friends and was starting to do the same with her family. That meant that he had no idea what Jenna’s last name was or even where she lived. He could be resourceful, though. He was not dumb, just a violent piece of shit.

Jenna encouraged her to leave when she doubted she could do it. “There’s so many other cocks out there, trust me. You’ll have no trouble pulling one.” She had said, in her crass way. And hadn’t Alise proved that last night? Yes, she had gotten the hot, up and coming comic to rail her and she had loved every minute of it. _I used him._ This thought made he feel powerful, a feeling which she was not at all accustomed to. He had offered to take her out and she had refused him. Of course he wasn’t going to call. Part of her wished he would, though. But they had done some depraved shit to each other how could he possibly look her in the eye and respect her? She wasn’t sure she could ever forget that sex, though. 

She wrote furiously for the better part of an hour. Suddenly the writer’s block she had been suffering from for a week is gone, obliterated. What happened? Surely it wasn’t getting laid that had made the difference. _Richie’s got a magic cock._ She laughed at the thought and leaned back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. Her phone buzzed and she startled, the fleeting thought that it could be him texting her came and surprised her as well. But no. _Fuck._ She was going to be late for therapy. _How Fitting,_ she thought, as she pulled herself off the couch and began to search for her clothes. 


	3. Chapter 3

When Richie woke up his first thought was “did that happen or was it a dream?” That was some fucking great sex. Some fucking great fucking.” Great joke, comedian. A plus material right there. God, the room still smelled like sex even. He bet if he were to smell the sheets he’d be able to get a whiff of her pussy. Suddenly he was seized by the urge to do that, but managed to resist it. Wasn’t last night enough depravity for a while?  _ I slapped her.  _ He still couldn’t believe he had done it. She had goaded him into it, but the thought of it still made him feel ashamed. 

He turned and looked at his phone on his nightstand. Should he call her? Certainly not this soon. He’d look like the most desperate man on the planet. No, if he did, he'd have to wait at least two days. But with the way she had left did she actually want to hear from him? He was just an asshole who ravaged her and told her to shut up when she had tried to open up to him. Surely that was not the type of guy you wanted to call you. He should have let her say whatever it was she was trying to get out. That was what a decent guy would have done. But of course, he wasn’t a decent guy, as his ex had so often told him. 

He’d been so ashamed of how he treated her that he’d offered to take her to dinner. He felt like he had something to make up to her. His mind drifted back to the sex, as it was wont to do. It had blown his best nights with Margot out of the water. He had completely lost his mind with her, Alise, he reminded himself. He had fucked her without a condom, without even assuring her he was shooting blanks. What the fuck was wrong with her? What the fuck was wrong with him? Maybe they made a good pair. But what would be the point of calling her? Just fucking? He didn’t know the first thing about her- except that she was unbelievably gorgeous and consented to have very rough sex with him. Was that enough for him these days to want to foster a connection? Probably; he was a fucking mess afterall. 

Maybe he should do something about the vasectomy. It wasn’t that he wanted children, it was just that the sudden thought of taking that part of himself back from Margot appealed to him. It wasn’t as if he had to worry about affording medical bills anymore. Why not enjoy his new freedom as a single man and correct that part of him that she had ruined. His thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of his phone. He picked it up and answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey buddy. You sound like shit.” It was his agent, Scott.

“Uh… late night.” He laid back down on the bed and looked up at the ceiling.

“That’s all?”  _ You know you can talk to me.  _ His tone was saying. Richie may be paying him, but they had developed an easy rapport in the six months that they had been working together.

“Well, Margot’s gone.” 

“Shit.”

“I’m fucking dumped.”

“She didn’t deserve you anyway.”

“I thought you loved her.” Richie said, incredulously.

“Only as much as you did, man. She was an uptight bitch, if you ask me. And hey, this will be  _ excellent  _ material for your act. How are you holding up?”

“Depressed as fuck, but instead of crying like a normal human I went and fucked a stranger.”

“Well that’s a much happier subject. Tell me about her.” Richie noticed that Scott had immediately assumed it was a woman. Cause that’s normal, right?

“She’s gorgeous. Tiny, but curvy, mysterious… But I’m pretty sure I scared her off. She wouldn’t stay over. Who wouldn’t want to get involved in the trash fire that is my life?”

“Dude, I know that’s like your brand to hate yourself, but you’re on the rise. Pretty soon you’ll be able to get any woman you want. Fuck Margot. Who cares about her? All she did was stifle you.”

“Thanks, but I fucking miss her.” He said, realizing with a pang that this was the truth. He didn’t know who he was with her and now he didn’t know who he was without her. 

“Jesus, go drown yourself in more pussy. Was the sex good?”

“Amazing.” 

“Sounds like a perfect rebound. Go get her again.” Richie laughed, not prepared to act on that just yet. “But anyway, I called because I have excellent news. Apparently someone saw your act and wants you to do a guest spot on “Family Man.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“That’s right, I forgot you’re a hermit. It’s the highest rated show on tv right now.”

“And they want me?” 

“I guess you impressed someone. They just want to meet you first, so I set it up for Thursday. It’s going to be more than one episode. They want you for a three episode arc. This is gigantic! Keep this up and you’ll be hosting Saturday Night Live soon!”

“Yeah, okay.” 

“And I also want to set up a meeting with the writer I suggested.” Richie groaned. Of course there was an ulterior motive.

“Fine. I’ll fucking do that, too.” 

“Alright, well, I gotta get going. I put the meeting on your calendar, but don’t fuck up and forget.”

After the call ended, Richie closed his eyes and considered everything. Despite his best efforts to fuck up his life, things seemed to be going along swimmingly. Minus, of course, his love life. The thought of this made him not want to get out of bed. Maybe he’d go drinking again. He could meet someone else. But no, no one else would could possibly measure up to the sex olympics from last night. 

The more he thought about her, the more Alise intrigued him. Who was this woman that she had barely said five sentences to him and he could not stop thinking about her. He wanted to know more about her, but he was almost positive he had already fucked everything up. He would never get a chance.

The thought of getting out of bed was overwhelming. He had nothing to do that day. He could just lie there and never get up. That felt right. His heart ached for Margot while it was also squeezed by anger at her. How was that possible? And what did it mean that he was both tortured thinking about two women at the same time? What would happen if he were to text Alise and start telling her this shit? She’d block him, of course. That answer was easy.

Finally he decided to get up and as an act of taking back some control, started looking up a doctor to take care of his vasectomy. He knew the chances probably weren’t great that it would take, but why not give it a shot. Yes, that would be his project for the day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mentions of domestic violence

It took her about five minutes to hastily throw on an outfit and brush her teeth. And then Alise scrambled out of the house and into her car. Driving to her appointment, she imagined how the conversation would go with her therapist. “Oh, why do I look like I just rolled out of bed? Because I went home with a stranger last night. Oh no, I was pretty sure he’s not a serial killer. He’s been on tv.” How fucking stupid did that sound? 

Christine, her well-meaning therapist, had been trying to help her to rebuild her self-esteem. They were working on her beginning to value herself. Did what she had done last night help with that? Well, she had gotten what she wanted. It had felt good to test those limits, to be intimate with another man who had every opportunity to hurt her and had not done. Well, he had not done it anymore than she actually wanted him to. Being consensually hurt and dominated had always been something she was into. It was not a new development because of the abuse. In fact, domination had probably led to the abuse, and not the other way around. 

Matt had claimed to be into power play when they first met. It had been one of the things that attracted her to him. It was something she knew was unusual about herself and therefore, not every romantic partner would be okay with it. She had been judged for it harshly before. A girlfriend had even broken up with her over it. “Something’s wrong with you if you want that.” She had told her. Well, there was something wrong with her, for sure, but Alise didn’t think that was it. 

At first, Matt was the perfect partner and was extremely respectful of boundaries. He did not force anything with her in the bedroom or otherwise and he was the most caring boyfriend she had ever had. That had lasted about three months. And then, gradually, he started to push her boundaries. If she made it clear that she did not want to be spanked with a belt, he would do that the next time they played. Then he would act as if she had never told him that limit. The first time he had done this to her, she had used her safe word immediately and he had stopped. But she could tell from the look in his eye that he had taken a certain amount of glee in having made her call it. 

Gradually, he also began to separate her from her friends and family by convincing her that they hated her. No one actually cared about her except him. He was the one who took the best care of her and she didn’t need anyone else. As that behavior escalated, so did his control of her in the bedroom. Eventually he stopped responding to her safe word at all and sex became a mine field. He didn’t always hurt her. Sometimes he would be gentle and loving and it would remind her of how good things could be with him. But then he would inevitably turn back into Mr. Hyde and she would live in fear of him again. 

Towards the end of their relationship, he had convinced her that if she ever did leave him, she would be alone forever- or dead. He alternated between telling her one and the other. Of course, the threat of killing her was couched in “I couldn’t live without you” And “I don’t know what I would do if you left me”. This led her to wonder what he was doing. Was he looking for her? Was he out there right now asking people where she was? All she knew was her family had not heard from him and they had been warned not to give him any information about her. 

Having been a victim of domestic violence for years was a strong source of shame for her. She had known better, should have known better. If an abuser could get to her, could get past her intelligence and her shields she had put up, then surely this meant that many more men were abusers than she had previously thought. Did that mean she could never trust a man again? Luckily for her she was bisexual, so this wouldn’t mean she would have live the rest of her life alone.  _ But Richie… _ The thought came to her mind before she could stop it. She was weak and if it were up to her she would text him right then. She was glad she had put that on him.  _ This way if I never hear from him again it’s his fault and not mine. _

Christine began the appointment by asking, “How are you feeling today?” Alise looked around her office at the collection of children’s toys by the door and wondered if that meant that children sat in on their parent’s appointment. If she had had an accidental baby with Matt would that kid be sitting there now, potentially overhearing the sick things his mother got up to?

“Kinda shitty. I barely made it here, honestly.”

“What caused that?”

“I woke up late and started writing and got wrapped up in it. I, um… I met someone last night.”

“Oh?” Christine perked up at that and stopped writing on her pad.

“I know you said it’s probably too soon for me because of what happened, but I wanted… I wanted to get laid. I wanted to see if anyone would want me.” Saying this aloud made her feel ashamed again, and she looked at the carpet.

“How did that work out?”

“I got laid. It was fun. I gave him my number, but I doubt I will hear from him.”

“How does that make you feel?” Alise shrugged. 

“He was hot and the sex was good. He didn’t kill me. That’s a plus, right? I want him to call. I feel just as shitty as I did before. I guess that’s the expected outcome.” Then after a pause she said, “He hurt me.” And she sees Christine's eyes cloud over, “No, not like that. I wanted him to, I asked him to. You know, the rough sex thing. I wanted to see if I could walk that line with someone.”

“With a stranger---”

“Yes, it was fucking dumb. But also I kinda want to die, you know? I’m not good enough to live.” 

“You are a successful writer with friends who stuck by you even after you had been isolated from them for more than a year. Your family loves you. That doesn’t sound like someone who doesn’t deserve to live.” Of course, Christine had good points, but for some reason Alise could not believe these words. Inside she was broken and felt like the pieces would never come together again.

After therapy Alise stopped for coffee at a Starbucks and sat with her laptop. Somehow ideas were still coming and she managed to churn out more and more pages. She had trouble stopping even when she started to feel blisters forming on her fingers from typing so much. What had happened to trigger this flood? Her writer’s block before had been so frustrating and suddenly it was gone.  _ It was the dick.  _ The thought made her laugh. But that really was the only thing that was different. She had been stagnating in all other parts of her life.  _ Maybe I need to get more of that magic cock.  _

Eventually she traveled home. It was already four o’clock when she left and so the Los Angeles traffic was a nightmare. Honestly, when was it not? She arrived home just before Jenna did. Her friend came bursting in the door like a whirlwind, tossing her laptop bag on the chair by the door. 

“Alise! You know that promotion I applied for?” Alise looked up from her position on the couch as understanding came. 

“You got it?”” 

“No, but I have an interview! It’s a start. Do you know what this means?” 

“Yes, it’s great!” Alise jumped up and went to embrace her friend. Jenna’s face was absolutely lit up with excitement and Alise felt real joy for her. 

“Well, also, we’ll have to go shopping. Right now!” Jenna’s enthusiasm was catching. “Just like old times, you know? We haven’t been to the mall in forever.”

“Probably because they’re dying.”

“Don’t be such a downer! We'll have fun.”

Alise was surprised by just how fun the shopping trip was. It was comforting, as weird as it sounds, to hear about another person’s problems and worries instead of being trapped in her own mind. Jenna told her about how much she had grown to hate her boss who was stifling her with micromanaging. She had applied for the new position to get out from underneath that boss. And the new position had much more opportunity for advancement. It really was the perfect opportunity for her. 

Alise was so caught up in talking to Jenna about her life that she never thought to mention her current predicament with her. Was it really that important that she needed to hear anyway? Wouldn’t Jenna just judge her for being a slut? It was entirely possible. 

Before she went to bed that night, Alise checked her phone one more time.  _ It could still be too early for that,  _ she reasoned with herself. Or else he’s already made up his mind to never contact her again. Maybe he had a girlfriend he was cheating on with her. That thought kind of excited her, although it also meant she probably wouldn’t see him again. Eventually, she was able to fall asleep after calming her mind down.


	5. Chapter 5

A week later, Richie decided he would finally take some initiative and take his body back from Margot. He had already made an appointment and got his sperm tested. He had been ready to jump right onto the operating table for the procedure, but the doctor had told him that it was always necessary to see what was going on before making the cut. Richie guessed this was only logical.

He was lying in bed at noon because he could. He was now someone who had not only been on the Tonight Show, but was going to be guest spotting on a hit TV show. He could be lazy when he wanted to. And today he was being lazy by lying in bed and masturbating. For some reason the idea of getting his virility back had spiked his sex drive, which made it even more of a tragedy that he had gotten rid of Alise’s number. _Why did I do that?_

He had never called her although had agonized over it for three days. In the end, his self-disgust had defeated him _._ He was angry at himself for that. Three days ago he had gotten so drunk and angry at himself that he had ripped up her number. The way he had treated her absolutely revolted him. Nothing was worth it and he knew she wanted nothing to do with him.

But now he wished he hadn’t done that. They could at least fuck one more time, he was sure. And he really wanted it. When he closed his eyes he could picture her naked and remember what it felt like to be inside of her. That was what he was thinking of as he began to touch himself. The soft feel of her skin, how she had tasted. He was hard almost immediately. Why did this woman have such a hold on him? As soon as he came his phone rang,

“Hello?”

“Mr. Tozier.” 

“Yep.” He said, reaching for a t-shirt to try to clean himself up.

“It’s Dr. Marshall. Listen, um, when did you say you had your procedure?” Fear well up in the pit of his stomach. Why would he open with that

“Five years ago, why?” His throat was dry and he could feel it clamping up. 

“Well, I can’t reconnect you because you’re already set up, man.” _What the fuck._ Richie thought, suddenly wanting to puke.

“What?” He choked out.

“Yeah, well I hope you haven’t been out there sowing your wild seed or anything because you’re not shooting blanks and from what I can tell you haven’t been for a very long time.”

“What the fuck?” 

“Well, the good news is this is over. You don’t need an operation.”

“And the bad news is I might have some bastards running around.” _Shit. Alise._ He thought. He came inside of her. He had been a fucking idiot. If the problem all along had been Margot… how could he be so dumb to risk that? Now he really regretted getting rid of her number. What if…? And getting rid of her number had only confounded the stupidity. _Well, she knows how to get ahold of me if she ends up pregnant,_ he thought, wryly. He could be the up and coming comedian who managed to knock someone up during his meteoric rise. The tabloids would love that. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Alright. Enough. I’m sick of you moping around.” Jenna announced, as soon as she walked in the front door on Friday evening. Alise was, as she had been, planted on the couch. She hadn’t moved all day except to write and get up to use the bathroom. She had been watching endless episodes of The Office. She was, in fact, moping. 

Jenna plopped down on the couch next to her. “I got the job. We’re celebrating.”

“Oh my god, that’s awesome. Congratulations!” Margot hugged her closely. “At least one of us has some positive things happening in her life.”

“Really?” Jenna said, pulling away and frowning. “Don’t step on my moment.” She held the serious face and Alise was starting to feel bad, but then her face broke and she grinned. “I’m fucking with you. But honey, you did accomplish something. You left. That’s something to be proud of. You’re the strongest person I know. You’re still alive, making it.”

“This is living?” Alise looked around at the mess she had made of Jenna’s living room. Her clothes were strewn everywhere along with fast food wrappers and stray papers. She hadn’t showered in three days. She had finally stopped waiting for her phone to ring, though. It was time to move on. From what? From the one night stand she couldn’t get out of her mind for some reason.

“You just need some cheering up. We’re going out. We’re celebrating and cheering you up!”

“Where?” Alise asked, not even trying to protest. She knew Jenna wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“It’s a surprise, but dress cute! If you need something I’m sure I could find something in my closet for you.” She said, jumping up from the couch. She was always peppy, but lately she has been like a whirlwind of energy. Alise wondered if she was doing that for her benefit.

With a lot of effort, Alise managed to get herself up from the couch. The first step for her was showering. She shaved her legs for the first time since… well the night she fucked Richie. Thinking of that made her remember how he had teased her in the cab; his hand on her knee, parting her legs and sliding higher, sending shivers up her spine. She had been wet from the moment he first kissed her. His touch was like it was designed specifically for her. And then, with the hot water running over her she can’t help but angle the stream of the water between her legs. The warm pressure felt remarkably like Richie eating her out. She came within minutes and then cursed herself for how goddamn horny she had been lately. Out of one relationship and ghosted by another guy and here she was thirsty as hell. 

Once out of the shower, she considered which outfit to wear. She had left Matt quickly and hadn’t been able to take all of her clothes with her, but she did have three cute dresses. One was the black one she had worn that night. She wasn’t going to wear that any time soon. She finally settled for a flowered sun dress, thinking that she’d rather project innocence for once. It is still low cut and kind of short, though. _I have to show off a little bit._

Once they were both dressed and done up, Jenna called them a cab. She was still refusing to tell Jenna where they were going. Alise was resigned to not knowing, although she hated surprises. She would let Jenna have control of this night. Hell, she would even try to have a good time.

When they pulled up to their destination, it was a theater and there was a name on the marquee. Richie Tozier. _Fuck. Nope._ “I’m not going in.” Alise said, feeling panic start to rise in her chest. Fear seized her and her heart started to race. It had been years since she had a panic attack, but this one quickly turning into one.

“What, why? Come on, he’s hilarious. I’ve seen a few of his shows already. I thought comedy would be a great thing for you today. You could use a good laugh. Plus, he’s kinda cute.” Alise gritted her teeth. She thought about telling Jenna right then and there, but when she looked at her friend her face was so hopeful, she couldn’t spoil her night. This was something she had set with the best of intentions and Alise should be grateful she was so sweet instead of throwing her gift back in her face.

“It’s not that, I just want to go home. The crowds, they---” She immediately felt bad for lying. She began to take deep breaths. “I’m getting over it. I can do this.” 

“Okay, great.” Jenna smiled at her encouragingly and they got out of the car.

As they made their way into the venue. Alise was immediately impressed by the size of the place. Although logically she knew she had absolutely nothing to do with it, she felt a weird sense of pride for Richie. Of course, she had not seen his comedic side, only a very serious one. _But that serious side had also been fun._ She thought, with a sly smile.

They had good seats, in the third row. They were so close to the stage that Alise worried that Richie will be able to spot her. So what if he does? What would he do? Call her out? Work her into his act? Neither of those things were likely to happen. He probably wouldn’t even see her. She squirmed in her seat, so fucking nervous that it was like she was about to go on a first date. She wanted out. She wanted to go home. But instead she was sitting there about to watch the show of a guy she had fucked and spent the last two weeks pining after who _had not fucking called her._ And she was a pathetic piece of shit for wanting a guy who did not want her. If he did see her he might even think she was stalking him. 

While the opener performed, she tried hard to get herself to calm down. Jenna was loose and laughing even though Alise didn’t think that any of the guy’s jokes were funny. At one point Jenna looked over at her and Alise attempted to look like she was enjoying herself a little. She didn’t want to make her feel bad. She should at least try to be a normal human being for once.

When Richie was finally introduced and took the stage, Alise was a pit of anxiety. _I’ve seen him naked._ Was the first thought that came to her mind when she saw him. And she couldn’t help it. Then she was picturing him naked. God, those linebacker shoulders and his broad, hairy chest. She could feel herself getting wet as she crossed her legs, as if hiding it. He was so tall, with long arms and long legs. He was perfect. It had been fun to kiss him while standing, straining on her tiptoes. And then, the scratch of his stubble on her face. Oh god, She still wanted him. What she had experienced hadn’t satisfied her. Flashes of him naked, sweaty, on top of her, deep inside of her, fucking her came to her and she started to feel hot. Then she was extremely turned on and couldn’t do anything about it. 

The show was good, despite her discomfort. He was a very talented comedian and at some point she did relax and start laughing. For the first time since they had fucked, she was actually enjoying something. Of course, she was still admiring his looks for the rest of the time, but was more comfortable. At one point, he seemed to look right at her and she felt a rush of embarrassment. But then the moment was over and he continued.

When he left the stage, Alise breathed a sigh of relief. Now she could go home and get back to her miserable existence. But as they were walking out of the auditorium, Jenna suddenly said, 

“He’s signing! Let’s get his autograph! We can get it before he gets big.” Alise inwardly laughed at the idea of getting it from Richie. _Been there, done that,_ she thought. _And he's already big, too._ She wanted to run again, but Jenna was again, just so excited. Her entire face lit up with the idea. She was like a child, pulling on Alise’s arm to get her to move to be closer to where the line was forming.

They joined the line and they were already fifteen places from the table where she assumed he would be sitting. Alise was wracked by nerves again. She would have to talk to him. He would definitely see her now. What was she going to say? “Hi, I just happened to show up here. I definitely didn’t come here because I’m desperate to see you again. Although, I am actually kind of desperate to see you again.” She didn't want to see him, but also she did, somehow. And, obviously he didn’t want to see her. It had been two weeks and he hadn’t called. 

After about ten minutes, Richie came into the lobby and there was a definite increase in the noise in their surroundings. This close to him he looked even bigger than he had appeared before. His size was imposing, but his posture was not. He looked nervous and uncomfortable himself. He didn’t seem to spot her before he sat down, and she breathed a sigh of relief. When they were five people away from him Alise turned to Jenna and told her frankly, “ Look, I fucked him.”

“You what? Fucked who?” Jenna responded, shocked.

“We met in a bar last week and he took me home and he fucked the shit out of me, okay?”

“Holy shit.” Jenna said, freaking out. “Well, you’re definitely fucking talking to him then. And why didn’t you tell me this? I would have been really happy for you. I am really happy for you!”

“He didn’t call.” Alise said, feeling the hurt of this all over again. And telling Jenna about it made it worse. She was admitting she had been rejected. Of course he hadn’t called. She had let him treat her like a sex toy. Why would he possibly think of calling her? Guys didn’t go for a second date with women who had no self-respect.

Before Alise knew it, it was their turn and Richie looked up at them, his hair falling in his face slightly. He is so fucking handsome, she thought, momentarily speechless. His bright blue eyes were disarming and that chiseled jaw... She thought about that night again, transported back into bed with him, him on top of her, fucking her, biting her, looking down at her and sweating on her. She wanted to kiss him at that moment. _He didn’t fucking call._

“Oh wow, hi.” Richie said as they approached the table. “Alise.” She was completely shocked that he even remembered her name. And he looked… pleased? “And you are---?” He reached out to shake Jenna’s hand.

“Jenna. I’m a big fan. I’ve seen three of your shows far. Alise just dropped the bomb on me that she uh… _knows you._ ” Was he blushing? Alise thought he might be. Yes, there was a slight red hue creeping up from that strong neck to his dramatic jawline. 

“Oh yeah, I do.” He said. “Listen um... “ He signed Jenna’s proffered program and then looked around as if looking for help. Then he spotted someone who appeared to be in charge and said “I’m taking ten. I’ll be back.” And he got up from the table, motioning for them to follow. 

“Right yeah… I will let you two catch up.” Jenna said, awkwardly leaving them alone as she waved to Alise mouthing “Good luck!”.

Alise followed Richie into an adjoining hallway. Once again she was struck by just how large he was. And being close to him seemed to have some sort of magnetic pull. She wanted to fuck him again. She wanted him to shove her up against the wall behind her and pull her skirt up. She didn’t care who saw. There was heat between them. Why did this man drive her crazy?

“Listen.” He said, turning to her, “I am sorry I didn’t call. I thought with the way we left things you didn’t want me to. With the way I treated you---” She snorted, unable to stop herself.

“I wasn’t exactly in the best mood that night. I was kind of a bitch.” 

“No, I’m sorry. I just have fucking issues. And then, I seriously wanted to call you and I… I just fucked up.”

“You don’t need to lie to me. I didn’t come here to confront you or anything. Jenna dragged me. I owe her. I’m sleeping on her couch.” She wondered why she was telling him so much of her business. What was it about him that disarmed her so easily?

“Oh, well, I didn’t think… I just actually wanted to talk to you.” This shocked her. What could he possibly want to talk about? “I just wanted to ask… and I know this may sound super fucking weird, but… you have had your period since we---” She laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of this question. 

“You’re worried I might be pregnant.” She said, incredulously. Out of everything she could have guessed he would say to her, she never would have expected that.

“Don’t act like it’s out of the realm of possibility. We didn’t use a condom. I came in you. It’s not from left field.” She looked around quickly, wondering if anyone had overheard this. But no, the hallway they were in was empty.

“I may be someone who fucked you within an hour of meeting you, but I am not so stupid that I would let you come in me when I’m not on birth control. I’m on the pill. And yes, I have had my period.” He let out a sigh of relief. “You thought maybe I was trying to trap you?” That thought made her start to get angry.

“No, no… I just thought you were reckless, is all. And I was, too. I just had a scare. I had a vasectomy years ago and I went to get it reversed a few days ago and they told me it had reversed itself, so I was freaking out.”

“I see. Well, yeah, I’m reckless but I’m still not trying to get pregnant.” She smiled. “Is that all you wanted?” She silently hoped it was not.

“Well, no. We just had a conversation. And I liked it, this talking thing. Will you have a drink with me?” She hesitated. She liked him. She wanted to fuck his brains out again. But she did not want another relationship just yet. She had no place to live. And she was fucking scared. He was looking at her expectantly, his blue eyes intense.

“Okay. I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind, but okay.”

“Hey, I’m not forcing you or anything. If you don’t want to---” He rubbed his neck, looking anxious again.

“I am sorry. I am a complicated bitch. Like I tried to tell you that night, I just got out of a relationship.”

“Perfect, so did I.” He grinned and she was struck by how handsome he was.. “That night was… amazing. Like, there are no words amazing. I’m an asshole for not-”

“It’s fine.” She said, stepping forward and placing a hand on his arm. As soon as she touched him, she felt the familiar heat again. “And you’re right. It was.” She was so close to him that they could easily have kissed. And she wanted to. She really fucking wanted to. He gulped.

“I uh… have to finish signing. Do you mind hanging around?” 

“Nope, of course I will. I’ll just tell Jenna.” She heard herself saying, as she felt a bit giddy. Was this really happening?

She went to find her friend and told her the plan.

“Great! Get some. He seems nice. We already know he’s funny. Attach yourself to him early, girl.” Jenna grinned.

“That’s… gross. He just intrigues me.” Alise said. And that was the truth although she couldn’t explain why.

“Fine. Go have fun.” Jenna said. “And call me if you need anything.” She winked at Alise before she left.


	6. Chapter 6

Alise tried to find something to do while waiting for Richie. It was awkward. The lobby was starting to clear out. Other than the people in line for attention from Richie, there were only a few other people milling around. For a few minutes, she checked her phone, but then she couldn’t resist the temptation to watch him. When she looked up he was smiling at a tall and leggy woman who was leaning down unnecessarily low and giving him a view of her cleavage, trying to pick him up, no doubt.  _ Too late.  _ Alise thought,  _ I’m going home with him tonight _ . Of course, that hadn’t been decided yet. But she had seen the way Richie looked at her. It was definitely on his mind. He looked like he was only feigning interest in the woman, which inwardly pleased Alise. Not that she thought she should expect any sort of consideration from him, but it pointed toward the fact that he was aware that she was watching. The look of concentration on his face as he signed was adorable. His forehead scrunched as he wrote, making her wonder if he had vision problems. 

She shifted her weight to the other foot, getting impatient.  _ If we end up together I’m not coming to his shows to do this shit.  _ She thought. And then  _ Wow, that’s getting a little ahead of yourself.  _ But then she started to wonder about being his girlfriend and having him touch her with those big hands gently instead of the force that he had used before. She thought it would be very nice to be enfolded in those long limbs of his, cuddling. Why had she run out on him so quickly last time when she could have had that experience? She wouldn’t make that mistake again.

Finally the last person got their autograph and Richie sighed and put the pen down. Then he shook hands with the guy who had been staying with him, his agent she presumed, before looking around the lobby until he spotted her. When he saw her, he smiled at her, which made her feel butterflies in her stomach. She was angry with herself for that reaction. What was she, a lovesick teen? But he looked relieved, as if he had expected her to walk out on him. That she found endearing. Then he came over to her.

“Okay, first things first.” He dug his phone out of his pocket and slid the lockscreen open. “Give me your number so I can’t lose it this time.” She liked this assertiveness, but at the same time it irked her that he hadn’t asked. 

“Hmm, you do that commanding thing outside of the bedroom, too?” She said, keeping her voice as demure as possible.

“Oh, what? I didn’t mean.. Sorry. I am just really focused on making sure I can talk to you again.” He gave her a shy smile.

“That’s sweet.” She returned the smile.  _ Stop being a bitch.  _ She told herself. She wanted him to like her.

“That would be the first time someone has called me that in a long time.” He smiled again, easily, putting his hands in his pockets.Then she motioned for him to hand his phone to her and she added her number to his contacts. 

“Should I add myself as Sexy Stranger?” She looked up, meeting his eyes. How did he also have such perfect cheekbones?

“Alise is fine. We’re not strangers anymore, are we?” He stepped closer to her and she could feel the heat radiating off of him. His gaze was intense and he was looking into her eyes. Her gaze traveled to his chiseled jaw and then down his strong neck to the tiny bit of chest hair that poked out above his collar. 

As she followed him out, she observed that he walked with slightly slumped shoulders. She wondered if he was one of those people who couldn’t stand up straight as a reflection of his own self-esteem. Of course she wasn’t one to judge others for being insecure. That was her entire brand. 

Outside, she was surprised by the fact that he drove a beat up car. She would have expected him to be the guy who cashed his first big check and immediately bought a flashy car. 

“Sorry about the mess.” He said, hitting the automatic unlock on the doors. As soon as she opened the door, she saw what he was talking about. The floor of the car was littered with trash.  _ We’d make a perfect couple.  _ She thought. 

He was one of those drivers who wasn’t quite reckless but also drove way faster than she would have. She found herself gripping the side of the door as he took turns, but she tried to keep herself from overreacting. 

“Where are we going?” She asked, as it suddenly occurred to her that getting into a car with him without knowing the destination would be considered reckless by some people.  _ Well, I guess that part of me isn’t changing any time soon. _

“Oh, I was going to take you to my favorite bar. I guess I should have asked about that, too.” He did look chastened. 

“It’s fine. I just figured I should ask. I pretty much trusted you with my life the first time I met you.”

“Yeah, I don’t understand that at all, but I’m not fucking complaining about that night.” 

“It was the best sex I’ve ever had.” She said before she could stop the words from coming from her mouth. She was constantly giving him the upper hand. He grinned and looked at her quickly before returning his eyes to the road.

“Really? It was pretty great for me, but I had no idea what was in your head.”

“Oh, lots of fucked up stuff, but you… you’ve got a magic dick.” This got a laugh from him and she was momentarily proud of herself for making a comedian laugh. 

“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” He said, and she could swear there was a blush rising in his neck.

“That’s it? No, ‘There’s more where that came from?”

“Well, if you really want I could just take you back to my place. There’s always more.” She was suddenly compelled to cross her legs again. The offering was tempting, but dammit, she wanted to extend the flirting as long as she could. Honestly, she wanted to make him like her more.

“I am actually enjoying the talking, too. Definitely not saying no to sex later, though.” She clarified quickly. 

“Okay, well play your cards right and you just might get some later.”

“Oooh, are you telling me to behave? Because I don’t generally do that when I’m not fucking, but if it’s foreplay, I can make an exception.” 

“Everything is foreplay for me.” He said, and she shivered.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bar was hopping, but after ordering drinks at the bar, Richie was able to find a booth for them to sit. There was no way they were going to be able to have a conversation sitting at the crowded bar. God, Alise looked gorgeous in her just a tiny bit short sundress. Of course, he can’t imagine her looking anything less than stellar. She was stunning, with her dark hair and dark eyes and high cheekbones. And he can’t help but sneak a peek at her legs every now and then as he follows her. 

They slid into opposite sides of the booth and his ungainly long legs were nearly touching hers underneath the table. So far her air had been different than that first night. She wasn’t as intense as she had been and seemed more relaxed, easygoing. She was smiling often, a smile that lit up her entire, beautiful face. He still couldn’t believe this woman was interested in him. He had been shocked she agreed to go to the bar with him. Throwing the idea out had been a last ditch attempt, but she had seemed pleased. He really had fucked up by not calling her. Someone this gorgeous, someone this interesting, interested in him? He wanted to figure this woman out. She intrigued him. But at the same time he felt like a giddy teenager and his knee kept jittering. He tried to calm his anxiety as much as he could.  _ Even if there is no discernible reason for her to be, she is definitely into you, so calm the fuck down. _

“How are you single?” She asked. She had her elbows on the table and her hands were propping up her face, making her look extremely interested in his answer. The question almost startled him with its absurdity.

“Me? I’m a goddamn loser.” He said, and for some reason that word sparked something in him. It felt like it had a lot of significance. There was a memory there, maybe a lot of them. But he couldn’t quite place it. She started to giggle at his bluntness, he guessed. “And like I said, just got dumped, painfully.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. I just got out of a shitty relationship, too. But, sorry, I’m not buying the loser shit. You seem pretty successful; you’re handsome, you’re an absolute animal in bed… Personally, I think your ex fucked up.” He felt himself blushing.  _ Fuck.  _ He hated when that happened.

“She would tell you the opposite of all that.” This was an understatement.

“Oh, a woman?” She said, “Let me guess…” He noticed her shifting in her seat, and she crossed her legs, grazing his pant leg with her foot. “She was too prissy to do any of the shit you’re into in bed. It was too base for her.”  _ She’s good at this,  _ he thought. “And telling you she didn’t want to do it wasn’t enough. She made you feel like shit for wanting it, right?” He knew his face betrayed how close she was to the truth, because she was right on the money. “I know the type.” Then she paused a moment to take a breath, and he could tell she was considering what she wanted to say next. He watched her chest rise and fall and remembered how perfect her nipples were. He felt like shaking himself.  _ Down, boy.  _ “My ex boyfriend was a little bit too into it.” She finally said,

“Too into it?” He asked, purposefully repeating her words back to keep himself focused on what she was saying instead of his lust, which was becoming a distraction.

“He hit me.” She said, her voice sounded very small all of the sudden.

“Jesus. And I… I slapped you.” He suddenly felt nauseated.

“It’s not the same at all.” She reached for his hands on the table and lightly took them. “You didn’t intend to hurt me… well, more than I wanted to be hurt. I literally asked you to hurt me. He… Matt…” Saying his name seemed to be physically taxing on her and Richie had the sudden urge to beat the shit out of this man who could make her feel that way.  _ That’s out of nowhere,  _ he thought _.  _ He was not generally a physical confrontation guy. “He would attack me. It wasn’t a sex thing. He nearly killed me a few times and it took me forever to leave him because… because... “ She was staring at the table and seemed unable to meet his eyes. 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself.” He lightly squeezed her hand, “I know it’s complicated. I think you win the asshole ex game.” He said, trying to make a joke to lighten the mood, but it seemed to fall flat. “I don’t mean, shit… I didn’t mean I think you’re trying to one up me.” His anxiety spiked again and he felt the urge to get out, to leave. But then he looked at her face again and saw her distinct softness and it grounded him. He could do this.

“I didn’t take it that way. Just, what we did together.... Was nothing like what he did to me. I wanted to make that clear.” He nodded. 

“Wait, why did you make a point to say my ex is a woman?” He asked.

“Oh, well I’m bi and I thought maybe you were, too.”

“What?” 

“Well, you’re wearing a leather jacket. If there’s one signal of who is bi and who isn’t, that’s it.” She smiled.

“Nope. I like women. Only. A lot.” That certainly sounded like he was covering something up. And wasn’t he? What about that dude from the cafe? What about those times he got hard thinking about men?  _ It’s not the same.  _ He told himself. He was not like that. 

She gave him a sly smile and stood up. For a moment he was worried she was going to leave, but she came over to his side of the booth to sit beside him. He slid over to give her room, but she moved until her thigh was almost pressed up against his. 

“Let’s talk about something happier. What is your favorite movie?”

“Oh, The Thing, definitely.”

“You had better mean the Carpenter version.”

“Of course I fucking do. It’s only the greatest horror movie of all time. The creature design, the atmosphere…”

“The ending is pretty great, too. That’s an excellent choice.”

“I know. So you’re into horror movies?” This was another part of him that Margot had been unable to stand. She had asked him more than once how he could stand that shit and had refused to let him watch any horror movies while she was around. 

“Yes. My favorite is this movie called Trick R Treat---”

“Yes, I know that! With Sam, the Halloween avenger?” 

"Oh yeah. Halloween is my favorite time of the year, I live for it. I always throw a big party every year and dress up sexy.” At this point she was starting to sound too good to be true. Hot as hell, a freak in bed, and she loved horror movies?  _ I could fall so hard for this woman.  _ That thought scared him. 

“You’re dressed pretty sexy right now.” He said, taking the opportunity to look her up and down. 

“Thanks.” 

“Can I ask why you’re uh… not as aggressive tonight as you were the other night?” She started to blush and he found that endearing.

“I was on a mission to find a dick to ride. Tonight’s different.”

“Because you already have a ticket to this ride?” He inwardly cringed at the stupidity of his joke.

“Yeah, well and I’m trying to get to know you.” And then after a pause she said, “Where did you grow up?”

“Maine- middle of nowhere.”

“Happy childhood?”

“Basically.” As he said this, he felt as if something was missing, but every time he thought of his childhood, specifically of the time before his teenage years, things got hazy. He had long since come to terms with the fact that his long term memory sucked. “I had friends…” He trailed off as his heart seized by a memory. There was a crush- someone who had completely consumed his thoughts as a teen, but he couldn’t remember anything more about it. That was weird.

“Any siblings?”

“Nope, just me. What about you?”

“I have one overachieving sister who has been making me look bad my entire life. I grew up in Pennsylvania, and yeah, my childhood was pretty happy until I became a depressed teen.”

“Now that’s something I can relate to. I was always happiest listening to music in my bedroom alone. Well, and coming up with jokes to tell to people at school later, practicing my voices.” 

“That’s cute.” She said, sliding her foot up and down his leg. He stiffened slightly. He wanted to touch her all over. “I spent most of my time as a teenager alone in my bedroom, too- except, masturbating.” She had turned toward him for the second half of the sentence and delivered it close enough to him that he felt her breath on his neck. He was on edge. His desire for her had been awakened again. 

“Oh, I’ve done my share of that, too.” Then he gave into temptation and pressed his lips to hers, softly, teasing her with his tongue just a little bit. Then he pulled back.

“Practice makes perfect.” She grinned. And then her hand was on his knee and his cock was responding.  _ So much for getting to know each other,  _ he thought. 

“God, you are so hot. I haven’t told you that, have I?” She shook her head while sliding her hand slowly up his thigh. “Listen.” Her hand was still going, “If I take you home tonight you’re staying the night.” She was perilously close to his crotch. “And we’re getting that breakfast.” He added, trying to keep his voice even.

“Okay.” She said, her voice breathy and sexy as hell. Then she cupped him and he was almost immediately rock hard, ready to fuck her right on the table.

“Alright, let’s get out of here so I can fuck your brains out.” He practically growled, starting to guide her out of the booth. She grinned and started to move.


	7. Chapter 7

That time the ride back to his place didn’t seem to take as long as it had before. She guessed that was because he was driving a little too fast for her. She thought of asking him to slow down, but didn’t want to make him think she wasn’t eager to have sex with him. She was. She was craving him, like his dick was a drug. How was this attraction possible so quickly? What was wrong with her? Shouldn’t she try being single for a while? _You still can,_ she told herself. It was just sex. Or was it? If she stayed the night that would open her up to so much hurt. It didn’t have to, though. Wasn’t everyone always saying that you had to take a chance to get anywhere? Maybe this was a chance she should take.

“I can’t wait to fuck you.” He said, looking over at her and then back to the road. Steering the conversation back to lust lightened the mood for her. She wondered how good he was at multitasking. She was determined to find out. Reaching over, she guided his hand from the wheel to her knee. His arms were so long that this was not an uncomfortable reach for him. He looked at her for a second with an expression that equal parts shock and equal parts lust. He had such an expressive face; she loved it. She slid forward in her seat and let her legs part to tempt him.

His hand was warm on her skin and god, he had such a way of touching her, she was already turned on. His skin was just the right amount of rough and his touch was forceful, but somehow gentle at the same time. Slowly, but with intention, he began to stroke her knee and glide his hand up. He stopped inches from her pussy and she wondered if he could feel the heat radiating from there. She was so wet she knew her underwear were soaked. It didn’t take much with him, it seemed.

“Are we going to play tonight? Because I’m thinking I might make you beg.” He said in a low tone.

“I would like to.” She almost always wanted to.

“We need a safe word: especially now that I know that about you.”

“I like ‘red’. Because I might say stop when I don’t mean it, but it I’m not likely to---”

“I don’t know that I could keep going if you’re saying stop… after what you’ve been through.”

“I’ll try not to say it, then.” She could almost hear his resistance to this. “But don’t worry. I won’t hesitate to say my safe word if I need it. I’m just not used to it being respected.” Richie made a disgusted sound.

“Fuckers like him make it really difficult for guys like me who do it not only because I enjoy it, but because you do.” Then he sighed and said “Sorry, that’s like, I’m making it about me.”

“It’s okay.”

“Of course. I don’t think I’ll be comfortable going too hard on you until I know you better.” _He wants to know me better,_ she thought, smiling inwardly. At the same time she was almost annoyed she had told him about Matt. _Stop being so reckless. It’s safer if he knows about your trauma._

 _“_ You did a good job reading me last time.” She said,

“Yes, but then I thought I had offended you anyway.”

“Because I ran out after. That’s understandable. But yes, I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“Thank you. God, this is a fucking unsexy conversation.”

“Oddly enough, I do find you caring about my physical and emotional wellbeing sexy.” He laughed.

“I’m not exactly known as being a considerate guy.’

“I haven’t seen that. Who told you that?” She saw a flash of pain across his face. “Oh, the ex?” He nodded, but she decided to let it drop. After a minute he continued as if that exchange hadn’t happened. He started to rub his hand back and forth on her thigh, pushing her dress up.

“I’m definitely making you beg then.” He said, making his voice deeper. She squirmed in her seat, pushing her pussy closer to his hand. He gripped her thigh to stop her from moving. “I’m in control” That hand was saying. “Stay still.” He said, commanding. “We’re close to my house.” His fingers began to move again and one of them finally reached her crotch, very lightly tracing the center of her underwear. She could feel his nail scrape over her vulva and finally on her clit. She groaned, and could not stop herself from grinding her hips into him. But he grabbed her thigh again and pinned it to the seat. “What did I say?” She immediately stopped moving.

“Sorry.”

“I can make you sorry.” She grinned, feeling butterflies of anticipation from her core.

“Is that a promise?” He responded only by looking at her and grinning menacingly.

He led the way down the walk after they parked outside his house. Her heels clicked on the sidewalk and she was vibrating in anticipation. In minutes they would be fucking again. Having sex with him was the most alive she had felt in weeks. She felt as if she had the energy to do it all night. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so sexually attracted to anyone, not even Matt when they had first started dating.

Finally they reached his house in the small suburb that struck her as totally unfitting for his personality. He parked quickly, obviously eager to get inside. 

In his living room he said, “Come here.” And she walked to him, enjoying his eyes on her, he was absolutely drinking her in. Putting his hands on her waist, he pulled her into him so that there was no space between them and looked down at her. His blue eyes were lidded with desire, and she felt a spark of something deeper than lust. There was a connection more than just physical here, which scared her. But before she could think about that more, he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her deeply and taking her breath away. Her heart began to pound as he slid his tongue into her mouth. When he pulled away, he said, “That’s my apology for not calling.” 

“Apology accepted.” She said, breathily. 

“Into the bedroom. Now.” He was back to commanding her. She felt a thrill at that voice of his and moved to obey quickly. 

In the bedroom, he placed his hands on her shoulders and got her to stay by the door. Then he sat on the bed, facing her. “Strip, slowly.” She did, edging the spaghetti straps of her dress off her shoulders. She caught them just as her dress was about to fall over her breasts so that she could fix Richie with a gaze communicating all of her desire for him. “No bra? You are a slut.” This word excited her and she let her dress fall down to reveal her tits. Her nipples were already rock hard from the chill of the air conditioning and she had goose pimples on the flesh of her back already. Her dress hit the floor and Richie let out a noise of appreciation. “You are a work of art. Come closer.” She walked to him as seductively as she could, swinging her hips. She was glad she had chosen a nicer pair of underwear tonight even though she had had no idea she would be showing it off to anyone. 

She stopped inches away from his knees and he put his hand on her hips and guided her to turn around. Then he pulled her into his lap so that her body was flush with his, sliding his hands down her naked sides, eliciting a shiver from her. One hand rose to chin and he guided her head back before starting to kiss her neck and her collarbone, sending shivers through her. “Bend over.” He whispered, his breath hot on her ear. 

As she bent over, he pulled her underwear down to her knees. He admired her for what seemed like a long time. At least, that’s what she assumed he was doing because he did not say anything and he wasn’t touching her. Then he slipped one of his hands between her legs and very gently passed his palm over her labia. This was maddening. She was swollen and wet, her clit absolutely throbbing. She ached for his cock. 

Next, he slid back on the bed. “Get on my face.” He said, she thought that she had never heard a sexier order in her life. She took her underwear off the rest of the way and left them on the floor, turning to face him. He was on his back on the bed, still fully clothed. The only thing he had removed was his jacket. She could tell his erection was straining against his pants and she longed to see it, but she didn’t want to disobey him. So she straddled him and maneuvered so that her pussy was right below his chin. He grabbed her hips and guided her the rest of the way so that she could lower herself onto his mouth. 

First he kissed the insides of both of her thighs, trailing from the middle to just before her vulva. Then he turned to the other side and did it there as well. He took a deep breath of her scent and said, “Has anyone ever told you your pussy smells amazing?” She felt as if she was absolutely on fire. Next, he kissed her on both sides of her clit, one after the other. His lips grazed its hood and she groaned, trying her best not to grind into him. Finally, he gave her one luxurious lick over her clit and she gasped. With the fingers of one hand, he held her clitoral hood apart and began to flick his tongue over her clit. His other hand found its way underneath her and he angled two of his fingers to slide them inside of her. Sucking and licking her clit while fingering her, he didn’t eat her out so much as he played her body like an instrument. She came hard, practically screaming; enjoying herself too much to be self conscious about the noise she was making. 

He wasn’t done. He brought her to a second, and then a third. The third was mostly his hand as he seemed to be resting his jaw. He was just as good with his fingers as he was with his tongue. 

“Turn around.” He ordered. She did, and then she was facing his bulge. “Get my cock out.” He then went back to licking her. She was generally terrible at 69. She could never concentrate on giving while she was receiving, but she mustered her courage thinking she would do better this time. 

She eagerly unzipped his pants and awkwardly released his cock. He was so big that it was difficult to do without taking off his pants. Once it was out, she couldn’t help but admire it for a moment. Not only was he well-endowed, both in length and girth, but he had one of those cocks that was just straight up nice to look at, too. She supposed she was somewhat of a size queen. 

“You have a perfect dick.” She told him, before taking his head in her mouth. She was distracted by him eating her out, but she struggled to do her best with the blowjob. She repeated the feat of deep throating him as she had the first night and was proud of herself for the accomplishment. She was very enthusiastic about sucking his cock and from the sound of the noises that he was making, he was enjoying it, too.

“Stop.” He said, pushing her to the side. “I want to be in you.” These words were incredibly sexy and sparked even more desire in her. She felt like an animal. Four orgasms already and she still wanted more. He situated himself behind her, parting her lips with a deft hand, and then he dove his entire length into her, shoving her into the bed with his weight. He had pushed her flat on the bed and at that angle it was easy for him to penetrate her deeply. She gasped as he filled her to overflowing and pushed into her. He fucked her with a voracity that she would have been surprised he was capable of if she hadn’t already experienced it. 

Afterwards, she got up to pee and she could see by the look on her face that he was worried she would leave again. She was half-tempted to do so, but she knew she had basically promised him. Plus, he looked amazing reclining in bed, completely naked, with the blanket pulled up to his waist. She thought that his body was incredibly sexy. After she had taken care of business and taken her contacts out, she came back to bed. She always had a to go kit in her purse for the event of having to sleep away from home, including a spare pair of glasses.

“One second. Don’t go anywhere.” He told her, hopping out of bed. When he returned two minutes later, he was wearing dark rimmed glasses and still naked. That was a sight for her..

“Wow, you look really handsome in those.” She swore that he started to blush as he climbed back into bed.

“Oh yeah, my coke bottle glasses were a huge hit while I was growing up..” He said, “I like your glasses, too. Guess we’re both blind.”

“Yeah, if I take them off I can’t see anything.”

“I should have asked you to do that before I got naked then.”

“That’s bullshit. I like you naked.” 

“Fuck off, you just like my dick.” 

“No. Look at your beautiful neck.” She touched his neck as she said this, for emphasis. “Your broad shoulders… and strong chest…” 

“Alright, alright. You’ve convinced me you think I’m attractive, but I still think you’re nuts.”

When she got back into bed, he motioned for her to move closer to him and when she did he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She felt slightly uncomfortable at first. For some reason cuddling felt more intimate than having his cock buried in her. Cuddling was not something she was used to after years of being with Matt. He hated it and would barely put up with short hugs, even after sex. 

Richie, apparently sensing her unease, stroked her hair, “You seem stiff.” 

“I’m bad at this.” She said, truthfully. Even saying that allowed made her feel vulnerable. 

“Just relax.” He entwined his fingers with hers and kissed her forehead, which did help her to feel more relaxed. Finally, she laid her head to rest on his hairy chest. She felt quite small, but also protected in his arms. 

“You’re like a giant all over.” She told him, knowing how stupid it must sound. “Your shoulders make you look like a football player.”

“Meanwhile I’m the pussiest nerd you’ll ever meet.”

“Hey, pussies are tough.”

“I know, I know. Yours sure did just take a pounding.” This struck her as funny and she started to giggle and couldn’t stop. He took her chin in his hands and guided her to face him so that he could kiss her. “I like this.” She did, too, but for some reason she balked at saying it. She smiled instead and looked into his eyes. This guy was boyfriend material, from everything she had seen. And Jenna had not been wrong, he was going places and now would be the perfect time to get in with him. As soon as the thought entered her mind she felt ashamed. No, that wasn’t her. She genuinely liked him. Was she ready for a relationship, though? And was that even what he would want. She guessed that she could ask him, but who would want to do that? 

He placed his glasses on the nightstand and then moved back to cuddle her again. “Alright if I turn the light off?” 

“Sure.” He did. In the dark the moonlight cast his on his face made his jaw look even more chiseled than normal. She expected him to separate from her before sleeping, but instead he settled in next to her. Part of her wanted to move away from him, but a stronger part was drawn to him. His body was warm and comfortable and soft in all the right places. She hadn’t realized how much she missed cuddling until now. She snuggled into him and was asleep before she knew it. 


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, Richie woke up and realized right away that Alise was still up against him. As he checked his phone, he saw that it was only 8am. She was attached to him, clinging to his midsection with her head buried in the crook of his arm. She was drooling on him too, he realized, which made him smile. It was adorable. In sleep, she was somehow even more beautiful, so peaceful and serene. He found himself wanting to kiss her awake, go for another round of sex. But he couldn’t disturb her. He should really just let her sleep. He had fucked around enough to know that this sort of thing, this great sexual chemistry, was not exactly usual. She was someone he should hold onto. But as soon as that thought arose in him at least five other battled with it. 

Sure, she was funny, intelligent, and eagerly fucked his brains out. But there was no way in hell someone like him deserved someone like her.  _ You’re an asshole.  _ He heard Margot saying in his head. Certainly he would never be able to treat her properly. And she would inevitably figure out his shortcomings and leave him. Or, even worse, he would just end up hurting her because he wouldn’t be able to help it.

She stirred, her hand sliding across his chest. Her lips curled into a slight smile, but her eyes did not open. Something about her made it nearly impossible for him not to touch her. He ran his fingers through her straight, dark hair and let his hand rest on her shoulder. Her eyes opened, those dark brown eyes that had drawn him in from the beginning. At first, she looked startled to see him, but then comprehension dawned. She smiled and he felt like his heart was clenching. His armor was failing. Immediately he wanted to get up and out of this situation.  _ Fuck all you want, but don’t fall for her.  _ He thought. But getting up now would be rude. He had asked her to stay, no insisted that she stay. 

“Good morning.” She said, straining to kiss him on the chin. Her hand was playing with his chest hair. 

“Good morning. See, you stayed and nothing bad happened.” 

“Yet.” She laughed. 

“Yeah, just wait until you see where I’m taking you for breakfast.” She laughed again. What comic could resist a woman who laughed at even his dumb jokes? She stretched her full body, with her arms above her head so that her hands touched the headboard. This motion exposed her delicate neck and the arch of her body accentuated her breasts. He realized her nipples were hard and one of them was pressing into his bare side. Now he definitely wanted her again. Unable to resist any longer, he leaned down and kissed her. 

This time was just as passionate as before, but he was not rough. He still had control, as he always liked it. He rolled on top of her and lifted her legs over his shoulders before entering her. He found this position especially intimate because he was able to stare into her eyes and watch her every facial expression changed as he fucked her. Except this was not exactly fucking. His thrusts were deep and measured, not exactly rough, but still passionate. She squeezed her muscles and made him cum a lot earlier than he would have liked. And she laughed evilly as she did it, too. He came inside of her again, as he had the night before, because apparently he was a stupid person who was just going to take her word for it that she was on birth control. While he was fucking her it was like he was in a trance and he didn’t care about any of those considerations. 

Afterwards they showered together and he fucked her against the wall. It was as if they could not get enough of each other. Then he took her to his favorite diner where he was pleased to see that she also drank her coffee black. Richie had always considered cream in coffee to be unnecessary. The fact that he liked to drink it black and bitter like his own soul was one of his favorite one-liners. 

“I really like fucking you and I want to keep doing it.” She said, bluntly, as soon as their entrees arrived. “But, I can’t be in a relationship.”

“Great, cause I don’t want a relationship.” He replied. Something flashed across her face and he was convinced he had hurt her feelings. “It's not because of you. It’s because I’m… not ready.” He finished feebly. “You’re awesome and I want to keep seeing you, but I…”

“Casual. Just fucking?” She asked, this time her face betrayed no emotion.

“Well, maybe not just fucking. We can eat together, right? Talk? We don’t have to treat each other like objects.”

“Friends with benefits then.” 

“And I still want the cuddles.” He said, placing his hand on top of hers on the table.

“I get it. No commitment.” He wanted to correct her. It definitely wasn’t that he thought he could or would do better than her, quite the opposite. But he decided it was easier to let her believe that then to explain the mess that was his head. How long would it be until he messed this up? “Well, if you want to keep coming in me you will have to agree not to fuck anyone else unless you tell me. I mean, before we… if you want to fuck again so we can use a condom. I’m not that reckless.” 

“That’s fair.” Although he really couldn’t imagine wanting to fuck anyone else when he could just call her for more of the best sex of his life. It struck him as odd that she wasn’t imagining herself as the one who might find someone else. She was the gorgeous, desirable one. And she was the one who was fucking nuts to be wasting her time on him. “You trust me enough to keep barebacking?”

“It’s more like we can’t go backwards now, you know?” She smiled and he nodded.

“Just don’t get pregnant, alright?” He said, trying his hardest to communicate he was being flippant.

“I got this shit locked down. I do a lot of fucking and it hasn’t failed yet.”

“How much fucking are we talking?” She narrowed her eyes. 

“Oh lots. It was just with the same abusive dick for the past two years. But before that, I was a huuuge slut. You’re not going to tell me that bothers you?” 

“No, sorry. That was a terrible attempt at a joke. You’d better get used to it.” An idea came to him. “Listen, my day is free, do you want to hang out?” She looked genuinely surprised. 

“Halfway to famous and you have no plans on a Saturday?” 

“Only halfway, yeah. I have two days off before I have another show. Then I’m off to San Francisco and Sacramento. But when you said you loved Halloween I wondered if you’d been to Dark Delicacies?” 

“I have, but I’d love to go if you wanted to take me.” He wondered how her tone could be so sexy when she said something so mundane. But he guessed she had said “take me”, which was a sexy phrase on its own. 

They spent the entire day together and it was kind of great. She put him at ease and talking to her felt natural. Everything had been a chore with Margot, even from the beginning. Of course, things had gone smoother at first, before he had started to fuck things up. Somehow she had always been able to convince him that his motives were different from what they were. If he asked her a question out of curiosity, he was accusing her of wrongdoing. And if that hadn’t been his intention, by the end of their fight he would start to wonder if it secretly had been. Was he manipulative and just not upfront about it? It wouldn’t be the first time he lied to himself about something.

When they got back to his place they had sex one more time and he gave her his number. The only thing missing was he wasn’t able to get her to agree to another date yet, but he assumed that was only natural since he would be traveling. 

‘I’m going to text you.” He told her, as he kissed her goodbye.

“Is that a threat?” She teased him.

“Absolutely.” Then they hugged one last time and she left. He fervently hoped it wouldn’t be the last time he saw her.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


It was close to six by the time Alise made it back to Jenna’s house. She had assumed on the ride home that Jenna would definitely be out since she had just started dating a new guy, Jake. But, as her Uber pulled up, she realized that Jenna’s car was in the driveway. Although she was flying high on dopamine from all the sex, she didn’t want to face too many questions. She knew that Jenna would zero in on the relationship aspect of it and not just the parts that Jenna wanted to talk about- like how good the sex was. 

They had agreed to see each other again, to keep up their arrangement. She was feeling pretty good about the way they had left things, but she was having misgivings about how she had approached the conversation. Should she have let him take the lead more? Had she hurt his feelings by telling him she didn’t want a relationship? It had honestly hurt hers a bit when he had been so quick to say he didn’t want one either. But it just wasn’t the right time for her. She was rebounding. Her head was a mess. She didn’t even know what she wanted. 

When she entered the house, she had expected Jenna to intercept her right away, but instead she found an empty living room. The sound of the shower told her that Jenna must be getting ready for a date. She sighed in relief and got out her laptop. She had been hit by an idea in the car and was excited to write about. She had to admit that all of this fucking was doing wonders for her word count. Once again, the words came quickly and she churned out page after page of content. If this kept up, she would have this book finished way before her deadline. And she thought she had Richie, or more specifically, Richie’s cock, to thank.

“You’re finally back!” Jenna cried, entering the living room in a towel. “Jesus, what did you do?”

“Lots of fucking.” Alise said, deciding there was no point in being coy. 

“And this time you have his number, right?” Almost as if on cue, her phone buzzed. She checked it and saw that Richie had texted her “Just making sure you gave me your real number.” She looked at her phone and smiled. “Was that him?” Jenna demanded.

“Yes.”

“I’m so happy for you!” She practically squealed as she threw herself onto the couch beside Alise and hugged her. 

“I think that’s a bit premature.” Alise said, allowing the hug for a minute, but then pulling out of her grasp. Jenna’s wet hair had left a wet spot on her shoulder. 

“Well you’re getting dick, right?” 

“Yes, a lot.”

“Good enough for now. But you know you need stability, you need…”

“To get off your couch?” Alise offered. 

“That’s more like a side effect of things happening for you.” She laughed.

“We just agreed to be friends with benefits.”

“He’s playing tough?” 

“I suggested it.”

“It won’t last like that. I saw how he looked at you, it’s more than sex for him.” Jenna said, matter-of-factly.

“You think?”

“Yes. His face lit up when he recognized you.”

“Don’t you think that could have been just remembering me naked?”

“No.” This was one of the things that Alise loved about her. When she was sure of something, she was sure, whether facts got in the way or not. “And why did you suggest this arrangement anyway. You’re not into him?”

“I am. I just… well, I thought I’d head him off, I guess. Why would he want a relationship with me?” Jenna scoffed loudly. 

“That’s ridiculous.”

“It’s fast. Christine said I should be alone for a while until I can figure out what I want.” 

“That’s generally good advice, but if you want him… actually, you know what, most guys do like it when you play hard to get. You could make that work for you.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t you have a date to get ready for?” 

When Jenna had left the house, Alise answered Richie’s text first. She figured she had left him wait long enough. She was just getting into a new section when her phone buzzed again. Assuming Richie had texted her back, she grinned. Maybe she would tease him with some sexy pictures. She was feeling good when she checked her phone again. Immediately her stomach dropped as fear gripped her. From an unknown number she had received,

_ Did you think you could leave me? I will find you.  _


	9. Chapter 9

Richie’s tour could not have gone better. He killed everywhere he went to sold out shows. He was having fun on his meteoric rise. He texted Alise as soon as he landed in San Francisco. Despite himself, he was texting her a lot more than he thought he would be. There was something addictive about her presence. He missed her, he fucking missed her already. How was that possible when he had just seen her two days ago? _You’ll scare her away._ He told himself as he texted her something completely innocuous and not the sentiment that he was actually feeling, that he wished she was with him. 

When Richie arrived at the venue for the first show, he was introduced to his opener, Todd Harris. He had never met him before, but he was small, short and thin, wiry with dark hair and dark haired. Richie thought two things at once- he was handsome, and also he strongly reminded him of someone from his past. It was someone who he definitely could not place, though. Todd smiled at him and Richie felt butterflies. It was natural to be uneasy with good-looking people of either gender, wasn it? Attractive people had always unsettled him, as if he wasn’t worthy of being in their presence.

“Hey man, I’m a huge fan of your act. Can I pour you a drink?” Todd said, getting up from the couch in the green room to shake Richie’s hand. Noticing the man’s dimples, Richie decided drinking was an excellent idea. Anything to distract himself from how handsome this guy was. 

“Yeah, sure. Thanks.” 

As they chatted, Todd sat just a little bit too close to him. Was he flirting? Richie didn’t think so, but it wouldn’t be the first time that another comedian tried to hit on him. Of course, it was usually women. He had never thought it had to do with how attractive he was and more the fact that it was convenient. He was there and had a dick, so… Thinking of dick made Richie wonder exactly what the guy was packing. But he shook the thought off as quickly as it came, wondering where it had even come from. Could he not go five minutes without thinking of sex?

After the show, he felt the same familiar high of a show that went well. He signed in the lobby again and there was a beautiful woman who hung by until she was the last one there. This was a thing that was beginning to happen after almost every show. So many people seemed to want in his pants all of a sudden. He didn’t get it. He turned her down and tried to be polite about it. He did it because of Alise. There was no way he was ruining what he had with her so soon. The woman laughed when he said no and told him, “I have my friend over there if that’s more your speed.” And she pointed to her male friend who was lingering in the corner. The unexpectedness of this hit his cock like a jolt. The friend was cute. If he were so inclined… but he shook his head quickly. Did she somehow know about his attraction for Todd? Or was just being paranoid? No one else could know what was happening in his own head.

After the last person had cleared out the lobby and Richie made his way to the green room again, he ran into Todd. He invited Richie out for a drink, but Richie told him he was too tired. It would be much better just to avoid the entire situation with him. _We could be friends, at least._ He thought. Next time, he would go out. He was becoming an expert at turning people down. 

The next night, he did go out with him, and they had an enjoyable drink, getting to know each other. The more he talked to him the more Richie wasn’t able to avoid his attraction to him. Richie was beginning to think it would have been better if he did just completely avoid social interactions altogether. He did accept Todd’s number, though, after he offered it. Scott was forever telling him he should network more. _Make more comedian friends, you’ll need them._ He had told him. It was unusual that his agent wasn’t along for this trip, but he had claimed to have some family business. 

On the flight home, Richie was very eager to get home to Alise. _Home to Alise._ He repeated back to himself and balked. She was not home to him. But it was going to be so nice to fuck her again. Sliding into her tight, warm pussy would be just what he needed to forget whatever the weirdness was that had occurred with Todd. He had texted her before he boarded, letting her know that he was on his way home. He hoped that they would be able to hook up soon. 

They seemed to have coordinated perfectly because just as he was getting his bag out of his Uber, she pulled up on her own. He grinned when he saw her and her entire face lit up. He was so relieved to see her that for a few moments there was no second guessing in his brain. He was just happy to see her. 

She followed him to the door and they were kissing before he even put his bag down. Unable to help himself, he shoved her against the wall, but with care so that she did not hit her head. Then he dropped to his knees and went for her belt, getting her pants down as quickly as he could. When they were at her knees, he buried his face in her pussy. After he had made her come, he pulled her down to the floor with him and turned her around. He took her clothes off as quickly as he could. He was so eager to be in her that he only freed his dick before he pushed inside of her from behind, pushing her down onto her elbows on the carpet. Afterwards, they lie side by side on the floor, panting. She was naked and he was still fully clothed. 

“I met a woman.” He said, not having intended to stop there, but he wasn’t sure how to continue the story. He immediately felt her stiffen in his arms.

“You said you would tell me if you did.”

“What? I am telling you. Oh, you think-” But she had already stood up and was searching for her clothes. “Hey-” He felt himself start to panic. “Nothing happened. I was just telling a dumb story about how someone came onto me. I didn’t-” He stood up and put his hand on her shoulder. “Alise. Sit down, please.” When she turned to look at him, her eyes were glistening with tears. He felt like shit. Standing there, still naked, she looked so vulnerable. He pulled her into him and stroked her back. 

“I’m sorry. I overreacted, I just…”

“No, I was kind of insensitive. I shouldn’t have started the story that way.”

“But it didn’t warrant… that.” He guided her to sit down on the couch behind them. She took a few deep breaths. “I’m sorry, I’m nuts.” 

“No, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to react that way if you think you’re about to get cut off from this a plus cock.” That got a laugh from her and he started to relax again.

“No, you’re probably going to think twice before sticking your dick in this crazy again.”

“Nope, I’m halfway hard already.” She laughed again. 

“It was just better to leave the room then show any emotion with my ex. I guess that fucked me up a bit.” 

“That would do it.” Once again, as she mentioned her ex he felt impotent anger toward him.

“He would berate me for it, use it against me.”

“I’m not him.” He said, trying to be soothing, but it came out defensive. 

“You don’t need to say that. I know it intellectually, it’s just… the fear is completely irrational.” He squeezed her shoulders and patted her lightly. It occurred to him that under other circumstances her display of emotion would have scared him. It would have signaled to him that she was falling for him. He had wanted to keep her at a distance as much as possible so that he couldn’t hurt her, but… he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. He was not ready to give her up. 

She continued “One time he shoved me into a wall and afterwards somehow convinced me I tripped. It was ridiculous how much he could make me doubt my perception of… fucking everything.” As she was speaking something dawned on Richie. 

“I know the feeling. Margot would do that to me, too.” She turned to look at him. “Not the physical part, obviously. But she would take innocent things I said and decide I meant them differently than I did and by the end of the conversation I was never sure of my own intent. She was always twisting everything to make me the bad guy.” She nodded.

“It’s called gaslighting.”

“Maybe sometimes it was, but I think I’m also just a dick.” He laughed to deflect, but inside he was churning. Had this really been something that Margot had done to him frequently? Had she made him doubt his perception of himself? 

“I still have yet to see that.” She said, kissing him on the cheek. Her phone buzzed. She didn’t move to check it, but she flinched as if the sound bothered her. “Now did you have anything planned for tonight or you just wanted me to show up for a quick fuck and leave?”

“Nothing planned, but let’s go get food.” Her phone buzzed a third and fourth time.

“See, a dick would kick me out.”

“There’s still time.” He joked. “Aren’t you curious who’s blowing up your phone?” She frowned. 

“It’s him. He got my new number somehow and hasn’t stopped texting me.”

“Jesus, can’t you report him to the police or something?” She shook her head. 

“I don’t know if it would do anything. It’s probably a burner phone. I have a restraining order, but it’s… not enough. You sure you want a part in this?” She motioned to herself. 

“I’ll take my chances.” He didn’t think there was any possibility that he would ever have to deal with her ex. “Let’s go eat.”


	10. Chapter 10

Over the next few weeks Richie and Alise continued seeing each other. Despite every effort to keep herself from falling in love with him, she knew she was failing. She can’t stop thinking about him. She missed him every moment they were apart. At some point she decided she should hide these feelings from him as much as possible. If he realized she loved him he would leave her, she was certain. No one wanted the clingy woman. Worse, she was a clingy woman with an abusive ex who was stalking her. That was an unbearable amount of baggage for any man.

She had watched Richie’s guest appearance on Family Man with Jenna. She had been filled with immense pride for him. He was brilliant. That had been the moment she realized whatever she was feeling for him was way beyond lust. Jenna had teased her, telling her she was watching him with rapt attention. It was probably true. She was shit at hiding her feelings. How had Richie not figured her out yet? What was keeping them together? Raw, animal lust was part of it. They were still fucking with an intensity that startled her. She had never had this before and doubted she would ever have it with anyone else again. She craved him; craved his touch, his kiss, his presence. 

Part of what intrigued her about him was she always felt that there were whole chapters of his life that he kept from her. He never talked about his childhood minus a comment here and there about being bullied. He was an enigma wrapped in jokes that he used to put up boundaries between himself and the world around him. She wanted to know him better. She wanted to break through it. She knew there was a real him somewhere inside and she knew he was vulnerable and hurting. Why else would he be hiding?

When Alise had told Jenna about Matt contacting her again, her friend had taken it in stride as per usual. But she had asked her newish boyfriend, Dave, to stay with them for the time being. He was an ex marine and both of them felt safer with him around. He had made it no secret that he had a gun, which slightly terrified Alise. But she guessed that she would be thankful for him if Matt did show up. He also was teaching both of them self-defense. This was giving Alise a new sense of confidence. At least she would have some idea of what to do if… but she shook that thought away, not wanting to dwell on the possibility. 

To get herself out of the house, Alise went to the grocery store. Staring at food labels was somehow relaxing to her. It had something to do with her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which was mostly under control, she knew. But, it was pleasing to have that much control over the food she put into her body, obsessing over macronutrients. She was comparing the nutrition labels of two different packs of crackers when she heard something hit the floor behind her. She turned around and saw a small child squatting where the box of food had fallen. It was a girl, she was wearing a yellow dress and white dress shoes and she couldn’t be more than three years old. She was alone. Alise realized it was Sunday; she had probably come from church with her parents. But where were her parents? 

“Hi there.” Alise said and the girl turned to look at her. She had big blue eyes and long blond hair. She regarded Alise only with curiosity. She was adorable that Alise felt something clench within her- her ovaries, maybe? It had been a long time since she had thought about the possibility of children. She had wasted the best years of her life with Matt, with someone who she would never have dreamt of procreating with. Had that been the wrong choice? Then her thoughts went to Richie. Somehow she struggled to see Richie with a baby in her mind. Could he be the one, though? Would he even want children? He had intended to reverse his vasectomy. Was she sure she even wanted them herself anymore?

Alise looked up and down the aisle and saw no one. The child was completely alone. She also didn’t hear anyone calling for her. “We should find your mommy.” She told the girl. When the girl nodded, Alise put out her hand to her and she took it. The child’s hand was tiny in hers and Alise felt another pang so strong that she felt tears stinging her eyes. This was terrible. How had she become this pathetic woman that felt moved to tears just seeing a child?

She led the girl past three aisles over until they found a frazzled looking woman who looked to be no more than twenty holding a baby and looking at the formula. The toddler immediately broke from Alise’s grip and ran to her. Instead of lingering to see what the woman might say to her, Alise quickly turned away and started back to where she had been shopping. When she got there, she found that someone had taken her cart. _Fucking figures._ She thought. _Do a good deal and you’ll immediately get paid back._ Instead of gathering everything she had before, she decided to say fuck it and give up. 

Just then her phone buzzed. Sighing, she checked it. It was from Richie. Seeing his name immediately filled her with warmth and made her heart leap.

_I’m horny. Want to come over? I keep thinking about eating you out._

It was not exactly a romantic message, but it did make her giggle. Did she want to be someone who dropped everything to get laid? The answer might have been no if she had any dignity left, but there was a world-class dick on the line. The sex between them had showed no signs of cooling down. And if she was being perfectly honest with herself, which had not lately been the case, she really fucking liked him. She liked him so much it scared her. She knew she was walking on dangerous ground with that. They had agreed they were just fucking around and she was violating that agreement. But wasn’t it possible that he was falling for her too? She had watched his face lit up when he saw her. It wasn’t always sex he texted her about, although that was the post frequent topic. And he treated her with such tenderness. She had difficulty believing that she was just a lay to him.

She would go, though. Fuck the rest. There was no way she was going to say no to that dick for such dumb reasons. If he hurt her, her heart would recover. But in the meantime, she could always continue to play it as casual as she could. Hopefully he wouldn’t see through her. Of course, she hadn’t done a great job of that the night she had nearly cried in his presence. She had been certain he was going to tell her he fucked someone on the road and it had kind of terrified her. In the moment she had told herself it was because she was going to miss the sex so much, but of course that wasn’t the entire story. Shaking her head, she finally answered Richie.

_Sure, just finishing some shopping. Can be there in a half hour._

That response should at least given him a tiny idea that she had been busy doing something else. On the way out of the store, she saw the little girl and her mother at the checkout line. The little girl waved to her when she saw her and Alise grinned, returning it. 

On the way to Richie’s she had received another text. 

_The door is open. Come in. And you’d better be naked within two minutes when you walk in the door._

_Yes, Sir._ Was her answering text, silently wishing her uber driver would get through traffic faster. She crossed her legs in anticipation. 

When she walked in his door, he was sitting on the couch within full view of the door. She greeted him and began to undress as soon as the door shut behind her. She could tell by the stern look on his face that he still expected her to follow his order. He was completely dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and he watched her as she stripped. Once she was naked, he growled,

“On your knees. Crawl over here.” She did as she was told. The carpet was rough on her knees and she could feel the breeze of the air conditioning on her pussy lips as she crawled. Being naked in front of Richie was a huge turn on, especially seeing how he was eyeing her as if he was ready to devour her. “Get my cock out and suck it. No hands.” He said, when she had stopped right in front of him. She gulped, not sure how successful she would be at following that order. But as he opened his legs and she saw the outline of his dick through his jeans, she felt a surge of desire that wiped her reticence away.

Her first move was to lick the length of him through his pants and her reward was a groan from him. He put his hand on her head and gripped her hair roughly. Jerking it roughly, he made her look at him, 

“Don’t fucking tease me.” He said in that low register that drove her wild, and let her head drop. She got back to work. Luckily he was not wearing a belt. If he had been it would be a lot harder to accomplish her task. Finally she was able to work the button free and take his zipper in her teeth, pulling it down. At that point he gave her some help and pulled his cock out for her. She took him in her mouth without delay. At first she concentrated on the head, licking around it and enjoying the taste of him. But she quickly took as much of him in her mouth as she could, knowing that he enjoyed being deep throated.

After a few minutes, he put his hand on her face motioning her to stop. Then he undressed the rest of the way and laid down on the couch on his back. “Get on my face.” He ordered, continuing the trend of giving her the sexiest orders possible. She did and his mouth and tongue worked magic on her, as usual. After she had come twice, with his hands on her hips, he guided her down his body so that she could slide onto his cock. She rode him with enthusiasm, loving the feeling of him filling her to completion, rocking her hips into his. She delighted in sliding her palms over his built shoulders and over his chest hair. 

After they had both come, she rested on top of him. “That was well worth the drive over here.” She panted.

“There’s more where that came from.” He grinned and kissed her, taking her breath away.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the next two months, Richie’s career continued to skyrocket. He had booked a new tour, nationwide this time. He had filmed and released a special which apparently was extremely popular. Scott had told him he was basically now a household name. To celebrate his success, he had bought a brand new car. He also took Alise out to dinner at a very elegant restaurant, which had led to them being photographed together. It was mind blowing to him that anyone cared what he did now. The fucking paparazzi? He supposed it came with the territory and he’d have to get used to it, eventually. That picture of them had been printed with a caption that referred to Alise as a “beautiful mystery woman”, which had cracked both of them up.

Not much had changed between them in the time that passed. They were still fucking like animals. Neither of them had met anyone else or even tried to look for them. They had seemingly settled into a comfortable groove. At least that's how things appeared on the outside. On the side, at least for Richie, he was constantly doubting himself and their relationship. He had not recovered from the wounds of his relationship with Margot. Whatever she had done to his brain, and he was at least beginning to accept that she had fucked him up a little, had not yet healed. 

Alise had once suggested therapy to him and he had balked at it. He was not the sort of guy that needed that. That conversation had turned into the only fight they had ever had when he told her that. She was in therapy and took his comment as a personal slight. That had been his first big fuckup of the relationship. Somehow he was able to save it, but the incident had reminded him of how he was always on thin ice when trying to relate to other people. 

Now, lying in bed with Alise in his arms, Richie began to feel restless. She was asleep, looking extraordinarily peaceful in her rest. She had fallen asleep gazing at him and although in the moment he had found it sweet, now thinking about it made him uneasy. She had fallen in love with him. It was obvious. His fear had been realized and he was ready to run. _Don’t I have feelings for her, too?_ His brain fired back.

It was true that when they were apart he felt the loss keenly. It was true that he enjoyed spending time with her and he especially enjoyed fucking her. But if all that was true then why did all of it scare him so much? The mere thought of getting serious absolutely terrified him. If he did, it wouldn’t be long until she saw the real him- the loser, the person who had never been worthy of anyone loving him. 

As the word “loser” occurred to him, something stirred inside of him. There was something about that word which he couldn’t quite place. It meant something to him. And why did he all the sudden feel that there was unfinished business somewhere? The thought was ludicrous. He had a show the next night in Los Angeles, in his biggest venue yet. Surely if there was any unfinished business it was dealing with that. He was anxious about it. The pre-show jitters were already hitting him. That had to be all this was. He was often anxious before shows, but it didn’t usually manifest itself this way. 

He had asked Alise to come to see it. He wanted her there for moral support and he didn’t have many friends anymore who weren’t comics. She would be able to give him an idea of how he had done from an audience member’s point of view. And then they could celebrate after with sex. He groaned quietly at this thought. No, he shouldn’t fuck her again if she she had feelings. He should get as far away from her as possible, break things off quickly. But as soon as this idea entered his mind, he felt actual physical pain in his chest. How was he supposed to do that? He wanted her nearby, he didn’t want to give her up. It was the sex, right? It had to be. Surely that was why he wanted to keep her. It couldn’t be that he, the cold-hearted asshole that he was, had any semblance of feelings.

He sighed heavily and tried to get more comfortable. Alise had her head practically in his armpit and he tried to move without disturbing her. He stretched and then finally settled. Why had he encouraged her to sleep over in the beginning, anyway? This move had probably only helped her to fall for him. As always, he was fucking up all over the place and making every wrong decision possible. He’d talk to her tomorrow after the show. Maybe they’d have sex one more time and then he’d tell her he needed space. Somehow this idea did nothing to calm his nerves about it. His emotions were so conflicted on the subject. He wanted her, he wanted to push her away. Which was it? Fuck it if he knew. Somehow he was able to fall asleep eventually, even though his thoughts remained in turmoil.

The next night Richie and Alise drove to his show together. In the end he had decided he would postpone the breakup conversation or whatever it was going to be. He just wanted to get the show over with and done. Then afterwards he would enjoy relaxing with her and another night of mind-blowing sex, regardless of the consequences. After that, he didn’t know. He could figure that all out later. Right now his priority was his career. 

“You’re gonna be great.” Alise said, as she reached for the car radio. He looked at her and saw that she was grinning. And she looked hot. She looked like the sort of girl who should be dating someone famous. I’m excited to hear your new material.”

“My writer’s new material.” He grumbled. 

“Hey, you still deliver it. It’s just words on a page otherwise.” 

“That’s an extremely dismissive attitude for a writer to have.” 

“It’s different! Besides, you’re way funnier than I am.”

“Well, thanks.” He said, Although he did appreciate the constant encouragement she provided him, it always made him wonder why she did it. He was not deserving.

Backstage before the show, Richie was pacing and trying to keep himself calm before he went on stage. His phone buzzed and at first he expected it to be Alise texting him something sweet as a last minute pep talk, but then it continued to buzz. It was ringing. That was unusual because the only person who called him was Scott, who was standing right next to him. He dug his phone out of his pocket and looked at it. He didn’t recognize the number, but the area code looked familiar to him. He had a foreboding sense that he should let it go to voicemail, he shouldn’t answer this call. Despite the sinking sense of dread spreading from the pit of his stomach, he answered.

“Hello?” 

“Hi Richie. It’s an old friend, Mike Hanlon.” A voice said as soon as he answered.

“Mike?” He said, Images flooded his mind: a clown, a broken down house, and one name, _Eddie._ A wave of nausea washed over him. He suddenly felt feverish.

“Richie?” Mike’s voice came through the phone again. “Listen, you need to come home. It’s time.” _No, no, no._ He kept repeating the same thought over and over.

“I can’t. I----” His brain could not even comprehend what he was being asked but his heart somehow did. Somewhere at the very soul of his being he knew exactly what it was. A clown, a fucking clown… and something fucking terrible. His childhood, a sewer… and all of it invoked a twinge of unspeakable horror. 

“It’s time.” Mike repeated, softly but insistent. After a long pause, Richie finally responded.

“Alright. I’ll be there.” He had made a promise. He knew that was true. He almost couldn’t believe he was saying those words, but deep down inside he knew he had to do it. He disconnected the phone as he was overcome by another wave of revulsion. He bolted for the nearest door, burst outside, and puked over the edge of the fire escape. _Holy fuck._ What had happened? What was this? When he thought of Derry, his hometown, his brain felt murky. He simply could not remember any specifics. Whatever was in Derry, he didn’t want to face it. Well, at least it would mean he would be able to have a break from his situation with Alise for a while, he thought, wryly. He had wanted space between them and now he was certainly going to get it.

Scott somehow managed to get him on stage. Afterwards Richie could remember nearly nothing after the phone call. He bombed, he knew that much. He had blanked on stage and couldn’t even manage to read the teleprompter. Scott told him the blackout was only thirty seconds, but had felt like an eternity to the audience. He had somehow managed to finish, but there was no complete recovery from that.

Backstage, he asked Scott to book a flight to Derry for him. He had never seen his manager look so confused. He asked him if he had a girl back there he wanted to see. Richie felt his entire body recoil that that as he denied it. No, there was no girl but there was… there was definitely someone he loved there. This thought was very vague. He had no idea where it came from.

“Hey, are you alright?” Alise asked, when she came backstage to greet him. She looked so concerned for him, he felt his heart constrict with guilt. 

“It’s nothing, I just…” 

“You look like shit.” She said, coming up to him and putting her hand on his cheek. “Are you sick?” Over her shoulder he saw Scott give him a look. _He thinks I’m sleeping around behind her back._ Let him think what he wants then, Richie decided.

“Thanks, Babe.” He said, sarcastically. “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s get out of here.”

“I have to go to Maine.” He told Alise, as soon as they were in the car together. 

“You have shows there?” She asked, sounding a little bit off. She knew his schedule, this question felt like a trap.

“I got a call from an old friend. I was reminded of something I need to do back there.”

“Oh. How long are you going to be there?” He could sense that she was trying to remain casual but she sounded slightly worried. This made him like a jerk. Of course she would think something was up. Something was actually up and he could not explain it. 

“A week? I’m not really sure.” He wanted to reassure her that he would be back, but at the same time he needed to get away from her for a while. He would sort things out while they had space between them instead of constantly fucking. That would allow him to have a clear head, away from the pheromones. He stole a glance at her as they drove. God, she was devastatingly beautiful, the way the light hit her face. How could he leave her? He would have to do it, though. He had to. Fate was calling him back to Derry. 

“Okay well, we’ll text, right?” Her tone sounded a little bit desperate, which made him feel worse.

“Of course.” He answered immediately. Thinking he’d at least reassure her in the moment. The disappointment could come later.

That night they fucked one last time. He fucked her like someone who knew he didn’t have much longer to live. And maybe that was true. Afterwards, they cuddled and he tried his best to savor the time with her. For all he knew, he may never see her again. Thinking that filled him with an overwhelming sadness, but he brushed that aside. _She’d be better off without me, anyway. I’m only holding her back from finding someone who could actually love her properly. I’m no good for anyone._

He slept for a bit on the plane, but at one point he startled awake. The thought of Eddie hit him like a jolt. _Oh my god, Eddie._ Memories came flooding back like a tidal wave. Eddie’s fanny packs, sharing a hammock. His crush? No, he had purely loved him. It was much stronger than that. _What the fuck? I loved a dude_. The thought seemed so ridiculous to him that he laughed out loud. That was a really long time ago. He could bury that. He’s over that. He has had so much sex with women since then and been with guy. He is not gay, he can’t be. He wasn’t one of those kids who was beaten up and bullied for that. The idea of being gay terrified him. It had only ever been Eddie. Maybe there was just something so special about him. It could have been what they faced together? Surely the shared trauma of… of what? Everything was still cloudy and he was having trouble forming thoughts. 

_I’ll see Eddie and everything will be fine. I will prove that those feelings are dead._ And once they’d dealt with whatever it is they need to do he’d go back to Los Angeles and what? Dump Alise? Marry her? He had no fucking idea. He had no idea what he wanted or what he was going to do, but he knew that he would face Eddie and everything would be okay. It had to be. It was a long time ago and he was a lot older now and had more experience in love. Maybe it had just been childhood infatuation, coupled with whatever it was they had fought together… What had they done? What were they returning to Derry to take care of? What was this promise Mike had talked about? A chill ran through him. Whatever it was, it filled him with a terrible sense of dread.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Violence/Domestic Violence

Alise and Richie left his house at the same time. As he kissed her, she had the sinking suspicion that she might never see him again. While watching him pull away, she felt a cold chill and looked all around. Something was wrong, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on what. The sky was clear and it was breezy. It was a normal, bright and sunny southern California day, but she felt like she was about to begin shivering. It was as if the day was deceptively bright. Something was off. She wrapped her arms around herself and rubbed her shoulders. Richie was running late and the timing didn’t work out with her Uber. He had offered to let her stay in the house and just lock up when she left, but she said since it was nice she would wait outside.

Why did she feel such a strong sense of foreboding? She didn’t like that Richie was leaving on such short notice, but she wouldn’t dream of trying to stop him. No, he could have his freedom. But she couldn’t help wondering if his trip had anything to do with the way that she had been acting toward him. She had been finding it harder and harder to conceal her feelings for him. Every time she saw him she felt butterflies. Had he noticed? Was she being too clingy? 

She wrapped her arms around herself and fidgeted to try to warm up as she sat on the front step. But she was still on guard as she studied the street. One thing Dave had taught her was to always stay alert and aware of her surroundings. Frankly, he had scared her by telling her that Matt could show up at any time and anywhere.  _ And if he does, one of us is not getting out alive.  _ She thought, and shivered. Dave’s advice had been to fight for her life.  _ There is no mercy with this guy. He’s a piece of shit and he will kill you.  _ And deep inside Alise knew he was right. Although she had always wanted to believe there was good in her former lover, at this point she had to accept he was lost. 

She had still not told Richie about her potential stalker. She didn’t want to worry him for nothing. Matt had never been one for confrontations with other men. He was a typical coward who only picked on women. Thinking of this reminded Alise of Ted Bundy who was a badass when it came to preying on women (although honestly most of the women he killed were asleep), but the one time he was confronted by a man ran like a scared child. No, Matt was a wimp who could only pick on people smaller and weaker than him. There was no way Richie was in danger, only her. And what was there that Richie could possibly do to help? Absolutely nothing. 

After a few minutes, her Uber arrived. She gathered her purse and got into the car. She greeted her driver and settled in. As the car was pulling away she felt a cold chill run through her as movement in a nearby car caught her eye. She turned quickly, trying to see into the car and finally was able to see into the car. It’s empty. Her heart was still pounding as she settled back into the seat. But she breathed a sigh of relief. Everything will be okay. He was not coming for her. Of course he wasn’t. 

“Everything okay back there?” The driver, who looked like he had just stepped out of a frat, asked. 

“Yeah, just didn’t sleep well. Thought I saw someone I know.” She was an awful liar. Oh well, it was none of that guy’s business anyway. Who cared what he thought of her?

When she returned to Jenna’s house, she was relieved to see that Dave was there. His car was parked outside on the street. She definitely didn’t feel like being alone after the morning she was having. She did take a small glance around her as she went inside, though. Everything appeared to be completely normal. 

Inside, she realized she had absolutely no plans for the day. How fucking sad was she that she had assumed she would be with Richie all day. She had nothing to do. Well, except write. Writing was always there for her. But first, she should probably shower. She was aware that she probably still smelled like sex from last night. And she was tired. They had been at it for a while. Maybe she would take a nap after she showered. So much for productivity. It was so worth it, though.

She took a long hot shower which relaxed her. She couldn’t help; she started thinking of Richie and started to touch herself. Thank God for Jenna’s detachable showerhead. After she was done she decided she definitely would need a nap.  _ Next on the agenda for this very active Saturday.  _ She thought.  _ My life is so fucking interesting. _

She stepped out of the shower and dried her hair. Then she wrapped herself in a towel and wiped the steam from the mirror so that she could get a good look at herself. As usual, her only thoughts were critical.  _ Why do I always do this to myself? At least Richie really seems to appreciate the way I look.  _ Thinking of him caused her to check her phone, which was blinking with a notification. Had he already texted her?

She did have a text, but it was not from Richie. It was a picture message from an unknown number that caused an icy chill to run down her spine. On her phone was a picture of her and Richie. It was the one that fucking gossip rag had run of them the week before. At the time it was taken she had only felt mild annoyance mixed with the utter bewilderment that her life had ended up somewhere that she was actually being gossiped about. But at that moment, seeing it there could only mean one thing. Suddenly she felt short of breath and she gripped the counter as if she was hanging on for life. The room felt like it was spinning. 

She continued to stare at her phone as another text came. The buzzing of the notification made her jump.

_ Is this your new boytoy, you fucking slut? _

And then there was another picture and was, oh god.. It was a little dark and out of focus, but she could tell that it was another picture of her and Richie, but this one was from last night and it was…  _ holy shit  _ it was taken right outside Richie’s house. She could immediately tell that it was last night because she had bought the shoes she was wearing just the other day and that was the first time she had worn them. 

With dawning horror she realized that she must have followed them home. He knew where Richie lived. Had he been outside while they fucked? While they were sleeping? If he had followed her there he could have followed her here. Blind panic started to rise in her. How could she have been so dumb? Of course she should have told Richie. He could have been killed along with her last night if Matt had the courage to face another man. She can’t help but smile ruefully at the idea that he was intimidated by Richie, probably the most non-threatening man on the planet. Another text came through:

_ I know you’re fucking him, you slut. U will pay. _

“Dave?” She yelled, needing to see a comforting face. But after a few beats there was no answer. She cursed herself for not alerting him to her danger sense.  _ Trust your hunches  _ had been another one of his pieces of advice but what had she fucking done? She had shaken off her premonition as if she was crazy. “Dave!” She tried again, about to devolve into a completely blind panic. That wouldn’t do. She had to keep calm. She had to breathe. 

Suddenly she felt more than naked. Should she call the cops? What would she tell them? Oh, I had a feeling that my violent ex was in the house, but now that you’re here you see how nuts I am.  _ What’s worse? They show up and it’s a false alarm or you just fucking die?  _ The answer was obvious.

She picked up her phone and hit the emergency button. As the phone is ringing she called for Dave again, her voice cracking. 

“911, what’s your emergency?” The operator’s voice started Alise.

“Yes, my ex is stalking me. He’s violent. He---” Suddenly she heard a crash in the front of the house.  _ Fuck.  _ “He’s in the house. I’m hiding in the bathroom. He’s going to kill me.” She gave the address quickly. The operator continued to say that the police would be on their way. 

"Stay where you are. They will be there as fast as they can.” Then she heard the voice which terrifies her, the one which she hasn’t heard for months. 

“Alise! Are you going to come out and talk to me? Your friend is gone.” He sounded maniacal. Quickly she reached for the doorknob and locked it. Her entire body went cold. 

It occurred to her that she had been in this position before. Two years ago, she had locked herself in the bathroom of their apartment when he was in one of his rages She had hidden, cowering in the tub. Having the locked door between them had only made him angrier. He had broken in, destroying the bathroom door. That had been the day he broke her arm. That was the worst he had ever beaten her. She had thought he was going to kill her. She knew with certainty that if she stayed where she was he would break the door down and kill her. There was no room to maneuver in the tiny bathroom and she needed room to fight back. 

Vaguely, Alise could hear the operator urging her to stay hidden. She couldn't. If she did she would die. No, she was going to go out and fight in the kitchen, where she would have the most space.  _ This may be the stupidest decision I’ve ever made. _ It may be the last decision she would make.  _ At least I will die fighting.  _ There was no time to worry about getting clothes. They were too far. She barely thought about the fact that she would be fighting him naked as she took the towel off and let it fall to the floor.

Her heart pounding, she stood still and took a few deep breaths. She mapped her path out in her head. He had sounded like he was in the living room. That meant she should have a clear path to the kitchen and she could either break for the back door or grab a knife and turn to fight him. She knew staying as calm as possible was important; calm and focused.  _ I am a goddamned killing machine and he will not fuck with me.  _ She told herself. 

Then she quickly unlocked the door and grabbed for the doorknob, dropped her phone, and made a break for the kitchen. Glancing in the direction of the living room, she sprinted as fast as she could. She came to a dead stop in front of the knife block and grabbed the biggest one. Then she turned away from the counter to assess the situation. Matt came to a stop in the doorway and loomed there, taking up most of the room. She had forgotten how large and imposing he was. He took up nearly the entirety of the doorway. He looked up and down her body, obviously distracted.  _ Good.  _ And he was empty-handed. Also good. He underestimated her.  _ You should have brought a gun, motherfucker.  _ She thinks.

“Get out of here.” She growled, her back against the counter. “I’ll give you one chance to just leave me the fuck alone.”She was channeling the months and months of torment from to fuel her anger. This was the day that she would escape; she would get out one way or the other- even if it meant her own death. 

“No such luck. We have unfinished business.” His hands were clenched into fists. Seeing those hands made her think of the last time he hit her and part of her wanted to submit and beg for mercy.  _ No, there is none. ”  _ “Do you want to tell me why you think it is okay to fuck that faggot comedian?” She almost laughed at that.  _ But Matt, how can he be a faggot if he’s fucking me?  _

“We’re through. I left you.” 

“I’m here, aren’t? And you’re mine. You always have been, and you always will be.” She could tell by his posture that he was ready to explode in violence. It was an all-too familiar pose to her.. “But you’re nothing but a dirty slut and now I’m going to have to kill you.”

“I called the cops” She interjected as a last-ditch resort to get him to back off. 

“I'll have to do it fast then.” He charged at her with a speed that surprised her. Somehow she managed to avoid him as he grabbed at her. She stabbed him with the knife, going for his midsection. The knife contacted, but barely scraped him. Grunting, he snatched her wrist and wrenched it back, causing her to drop the knife. As the knife clattered to the floor, pain shot up her arm. Before she knew it, he had grabbed her in a chokehold. She struggled fruitlessly, trying to release herself, momentarily forgetting what she had been trained to do. But she managed to touch her chin to her chest, preventing him from cutting her air off. He forced her head back up to look him in the eyes, 

“I’ll make you sorry you ever thought you could leave me.” He growled. Then he was leaning over to reach for the knife. She gripped at his arms with her nails, desperately trying to dig them in.  _ No, no no…  _ She thought, as he bent over with her at an awkward angle and she saw his hand getting closer and closer to it. His fingers wrapped around the hilt and he picked it up, turning the blade toward her. She watched the blade coming closer and closer to her and felt like it was happening in slow motion. Helplessly, she could only continue to watch as he touched the blade just below her belly button and then began to push it in. 

“It’s kind of a shame to lose those tits, though.” That, coupled with the blinding hot pain that shot through her fueled her anger and gave her a second wind. With a fury, she reached behind her and up and grabbed his junk as hard as she possibly could and pulled. He immediately doubled over, coughing, and causing the knife to clang on the floor again. She saw her blood on the blade and snarled in anger. 

Instead of running to the door, she dropped on all fours and grasped the knife again. She jumped to her feet quickly, seeing that Matt was starting to fight off his pain and stand up to come at her again. Without even thinking, she stabbed him with an overhand motion like she had seen in so many slasher films, sinking the knife deeply into his chest. He stiffened and fell to the floor.  _ Oh my god I just killed him.  _ She thought. 

Suddenly she felt woozy. She heard the sound of something dripping on the kitchen floor and she looked down. There was a pool of blood at her feet.  _ Is that mine?  _ She thought, and her knees gave out as she fell to the floor. Her last thought before passing out was of Richie.  _ I guess I won’t see him again. _


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Internalized homophobia

Richie landed in Bangor, Maine just before five in the evening, exhausted. He had attempted to sleep on the flight, but he had been interrupted by nightmares every time. Images of things which seemed vaguely familiar to him kept returning. Images such as being chased by bullies as a child, rock fights, and again, a goddamn clown were invading his sleep. What was it with this clown? It seemed so incongruous to everything else he had been remembering. Some of the memories coming back were of the pleasant variety. He could recall the faces of his friends. They had apparently been the one saving grace of his childhood. They had been his strength, his support, his foundation. When the memories of them came back he felt a flood of warmth- love, he realized. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt real, pure love like that. Or maybe it was that he hadn’t allowed himself to feel it. How many of these memories were true if they were just now coming back to him?

But for every pleasant memory there was one lurking behind it. Vague feelings of abject terror kept seizing him. There had been bullies. He was absolutely certain of it. Although no one could probably guess it to look at him now, he had been a straight A student. And he had been lonely. God, had he been lonely before he met those friends. He did remember hours of sitting alone in his room listening to music and practicing his voices. Impressions had always been something he loved to do, but he wasn’t great at them, not yet anyway. His friends, especially Eddie, had ragged on him for them endlessly.

_ Eddie _ . Oh god, Eddie. His first love, he guessed. How had he had a first love whom he had managed to forget for so many years? He couldn’t understand how that was even possible, but there it was. From what he could now recall, Eddie had been a hyper child with an extremely overprotective mother. He was easy to tease and also the one in their group who would get the most offended when picked on, so this also made it the most fun for Richie. Getting a rise out of Eddie was easy, whereas with Bill all Richie would usually get was an eyeroll. But Eddie would get worked up and hurl insults right back at him, which always delighted Richie. Thinking about it now, he could see that this was total immature crush behavior. It was just like pulling a girl’s ponytail in class because you thought she was cute.  _ And Eddie was cute.  _ Richie felt hot at the thought. Had his first stirrings of lust been for him?

_ My first love was a dude.  _ He repeated to himself again. How was that possible? Was it adolescent confusion? Surely that had to be it. There had never been another man besides random fantasies and well, that was normal, wasn’t it? He could not possibly be gay. Thinking about the possibility of it filled him with a deep revulsion. Growing up in Derry, he had always known that gay was, well wrong. Not just wrong, but disgusting. He had seen way too many people bullied and brutally beaten up to ever entertain the possibility of being gay himself. And he couldn’t deny that he was legitimately attracted to women. Alise drove him wild. He craved sex with her, enjoyed it immensely, and got hard just thinking about her. And in that moment he wished she was there so that he could fuck her one more time and prove to himself he was normal.  _ I could fuck all these thoughts away. If only Alise were here. _

Of course he knew intellectually that bisexual was a thing that some people were. But wasn’t that for people who actually had relationships with the same sex as well? Didn’t they also feel equal attraction to men and women? For him there had only ever been Eddie. Was that really enough to count himself as bi? He didn’t think so. Plus, he was convinced that once he saw Eddie that night he would realize that all those feelings had just been hormonal adolescent weirdness.  _ Whatever it was, I’m over it now. _

At the airport he rented the fanciest car they had. He might as well flaunt his success at this odd, impromptu reunion. I’m not a loser anymore, the car would announce. He felt just a little bit gross about it, but after some consideration his overall attitude was fuck it. What was the point of having money if he didn’t spend it? Alise had recently been encouraging him to, although not in the way one would stereotypically expect a woman to do it. She didn’t ask him for anything, but instead was constantly telling him he should treat himself better.  _ She really is falling into that girlfriend space, isn’t she?  _ The thought came with a complicated mix of emotions. The physical space between them would help him to sort everything out.. 

What was it going to be like to see his friends again? There was unease underneath his eagerness to see them. He barely remembered them. Part of him wondered if this was some sort of scam. Convince him he had good friends in another state, make him show up… and what? Knock him out and kidnap him for ransom? That was absurd.  _ You’re not that famous yet, asshole. No one would fuck with you like that.  _

But why hadn’t he kept in touch with any of these friends at all if they had been so close as he thought they had been? That was one of the many questions he hoped to have answered. He was meeting all of them at a Chinese restaurant and he figured it could either be extremely fun or incredibly awkward.  _ Guess I’ll find out soon enough. _

Almost as soon as he drove past the “Welcome to Derry” sign, his eyes started to burn. Rubbing his eyes, he hoped that he could find the hotel he had reservations at sooner than later. The pain was quickly becoming unbearable. He couldn’t remember the last time he had this much trouble with his contacts.  _ I’m allergic to this shithole.  _ He blinked back the tears that were leaking from his eyes. And it sure was a shithole. Small town America, exactly the place he had at one point hoped never to step in again. When he parked outside the hotel, he texted Alise, knowing he was already failing at his promise to her.

_ Got to my hotel. Hope you’re having a good day. _

After he changed in his hotel, he took out his contacts to put on his glasses. Fuck it, he was reverting back to the nerd he always had been. A fancy car would never fucking change that and he had been foolish to think it would. He hadn’t worn glasses during the day he got his first pair of contacts his freshman year of high school. That was weird. Why did he clearly remember that when there was so much else that was still cloudy? It was as if the moment he had moved out of Derry all of his memories of it had evaporated.

Outside the restaurant, he sat in the car for several minutes trying to build up the courage to go inside. He had no idea what the fuck to expect and his hands were already clammy. He checked his phone and still had no response from Alise. That was unusual. She was usually pretty responsive. Was she mad at him for leaving? He couldn’t blame her if she was. But why was he even worried about that when he was considering breaking up with her? He was surprised to realize that his leg was shaking. Then he saw two people out of the corner of his eye and a glimmer of recognition came to him. It was Beverly and Ben.  _ How do I know?  _ Then he took a deep breath and got out of the car.

“You two look amazing. What the fuck happened to me?” He said to them by way of greeting. Thankfully, he succeeded in breaking the tension and he instantly felt more relaxed as they laughed.

Inside, as soon as he saw Eddie, all of the pretenses fell away and he knew with certainty he was lying to himself before. Nothing was alright. It was terrifying. All of the feelings came rushing back. Nothing was gone. He loved him and always had and he had no fucking idea what to do with that.  _ Fuck it, time to get drunk.  _ Richie had pretty much stopped drinking the first night he and Alise hooked up. He had been pleased that he was able to stop. He had been on the path to become a full-blown alcoholic, drinking to cover up his problems before he met her. But there he was in the Chinese restaurant, throwing caution to the wind and knocking back the drinks like he had no care for himself. And quite honestly, he didn’t.

_ I can barely look at him.  _ He thought as they first sat down. But the drinks helped. They really helped. Soon he was laughing and joking like normal. And he was talking to Eddie and they were  _ connecting.  _ Sure, they were back into the old pattern of trading insults, but it was fun and simple; familiar. He was very conscious of the fact that they had chosen to sit near each other, wondering if it meant anything on Eddie’s part. Had Eddie ever felt the same way? Could he ever?

All night Richie was conscious of the space between their bodies. He stole glances at him whenever he could. He longed to have time alone with him and maybe, possibly kiss him. He wondered what that would be like. He had never kissed a man before but now he knew that he definitely wanted to. It had to be different than kissing a woman, but the question was how much? What would that stubble feel like on his face? How would he touch him? He tried to shake the thought away as he realized his dick was starting to respond. Embarrassed, he struggled to sit up straight. 

Eventually Mike steered the conversation to why he had brought them all there. No one wanted to hear it, least of all Richie. He had been floating, enjoying himself and the time with long lost friends, and then Mike brought them all crashing to the ground. The clown was mentioned. Richie felt horror twinge the edge of his thoughts. What the hell was so scary about this goddamn clown? And where was Stan? Why did he feel such foreboding when he thought of him?

The words that were coming out of Mike’s mouth seemed to get crazier and crazier. He explained that the farther anyone got from Derry, the less they were able to remember. Richie didn’t want to believe it, but it did sort of make sense given what was happening to him. He was gradually remembering more. But when Mike said that he brought them all back to “finish what they had started” Richie felt an immediate negative reaction to that. He felt like he was going to throw up again. No part of him wanted anything to do with what Mike was saying.

The fortune cookies revealed Stan’s fate. He was gone? But surely that couldn’t be true. Mike had just talked to him yesterday, like the rest of them. They were supposed to face the evil together. Richie knew that much.  _ Seven was our magic number.  _ The thought came unbidden and he had no idea of its significance.   


Then all hell broke loose. The fortune cookies started to rattle and it was as if the lid had exploded off the tension in the room. He had never been so terrified in his life, attacked by horrors that he could only have seen in movies. And that was it, wasn’t it? That was how all of this had manifested when they were children and how it seemed like it would now. It played on their deepest, darkest fears. The shit that they saw him their blackest nightmares came to life. Even the crawling eye made an appearance. He knew it from a movie he had seen when he was way too young to be watching shit like that. It had haunted him for years and then there it was, in front of him, coming for him. He almost had a heart attack, scrambling to get away from it. But then Mike broke the illusion. That’s what it had to have been. That’s the only way his brain could make sense of the fact that it was all there one minute and then gone the next.

And then he was so fucking stressed out he had yelled in a child’s face.  _ Can’t wait to tell Alise about that.  _ He thought, and then immediately felt ashamed for the lustful thoughts he had been having about Eddie. But why should he? It wasn’t as if they were committed.

In the parking lot they had it confirmed that Stan was dead and Richie just panicked. He could not take it anymore. So he ran. He left as quickly as he could thinking that it would be a shame that he wouldn’t get to connect with Eddie again but he just  _ couldn’t. _

But then, back at the hotel, Beverly dropped another bomb on them. _If I leave I’ll die horribly anyway. What a lovely thought._ He was living in a fucking nightmare all the sudden. Why couldn’t he just wake himself up? _Why me?_ Was the only thought that kept echoing through his mind. If this evil existed why did he have to deal with it? Wasn’t there anybody else who could do it instead? He was just a fucking loser stand-up comedian, not particularly brave and definitely nothing special. _I can stay for my friends. I can stay for Eddie._ He finally thought, sticking his hands in his pockets

They all eventually made their way up to their rooms. Richie already felt fucking exhausted. But he was also buzzed from terror. A whim took hold of him. _I have to talk to Eddie alone._ Maybe it was the fear that made him think this. Or maybe it was the alcohol. But there was also the idea that he may die soon. _If I go out I want to make sure I have no regrets._ _I didn’t leave things the best with Alise but I can text her and tell her she’s special. I can’t offer her much, but I can do that. And Eddie---_

Richie knocked on Eddie’s door, only meaning to say hi and to talk, maybe catch up. But when Eddie opened the door and regarded him with his soft, brown eyes, he felt undone.

“I need to tell you something.” He said, putting his head down as he walked past Eddie. 


	13. Chapter 13

“What, man? Coming to insult my mom again?” Eddie backed up a step and crossed his arms across his chest defensively, his mouth set in a solid line.

“No, I---” And as Richie turned to look at him he was speechless. Richie Trashmouth Tozier was actually speechless. Eddie was so handsome it was difficult to stay on track.  _ Do it.  _ He thought wildly.

“I have a crush on you. I always have.” Eddie laughed out loud. The pit of Richie’s stomach dropped out and he felt the hurt deeply, suddenly very embarrassed. But Eddie was poised as if waiting for another insult.  _ He doesn’t believe me.  _ A million thoughts passed through his head at the same time.  _ This is the wrong time. He’s married. This is insane. I need to get out of here.  _ He started to walk past Eddie again, quickly, attempting to flee. 

“Wait.” Eddie said. “You’re fucking serious?” Richie’s heart constricted and he turned around slowly to face his friend again. All he could do was nod in response, he couldn’t look him in the eyes.  _ Those soulful brown eyes.  _

“Actually, I love you.” He heard himself say. And as the words came out, he knew they were true. And it shocked even himself somehow. The last time he had told someone he loved them had been Margot and it had been so fucking long ago. Why had it come so easily to him this time?

“Jesus Christ! I need a minute.” Eddie said, throwing his hands over his head, pacing. Then went to sit on the bed. His face mostly betrayed confusion and frustration. He was frowning. That couldn’t be a good sign. Finally he said, “Dude, I’m married.” 

“I know, I---” Richie tried.

“And you were just bragging about fucking some hot girl.” That was right, he had mentioned Alise during dinner. Somehow bringing her up had made him feel better about his conflict over Eddie.  _ You were overcompensating.  _ The more he talked about the pussy he was getting the less anyone would suspect him of the terrible thoughts he was having. “Is she your girlfriend?”

“No.” He responded immediately. And he immediately felt terrible.  _ Why? It’s the truth.  _

“Does she even exist?” Eddie asked, sounding exasperated.

“Yes. Fuck. I just brought her up because I wanted to distract everyone from the truth. Eddie, we may die. And I didn’t want to without telling you.” He gulped, feeling as if he had just laid his soul bare. He had never taken such a big leap in his life. 

“Fuck.” Eddie said, rubbing the back of his head. “Richie, I---” And Richie was certain that things were going south. It was over and he had humiliated himself. “I’m scared out of my mind.” And that’s when Richie noticed that Eddie was shaking. Gingerly, Richie went to sit beside him. As he sat, he was conscious of the lack of distance between their bodies. Then his friend spoke again, “We… you and I were always close, I… knew you picked on me the worst because you cared. I always hoped, I… fuck…” He trailed off again and buried his face in his hands. 

“You always hoped what?” Richie prompted, allowing himself to feel optimistic for the first time that night. 

“That you would touch me. I forgot, like we all did. I mean, when I left Derry, I forgot everything. But when I got back here, it was so clear. You… you were my first love.” Richie felt like something was breaking inside of him. Suddenly the world was full of possibilities. “Dude, I think I’m gay. It’s like all this shit that I knew about myself suddenly makes sense. I like Myra, but I never.. felt like this about her.”

“Why did you get married?” Richie heard himself asking, but he didn’t care what the answer was. He was becoming overwhelmed by the urge to touch Eddie and wanted to fill any silence with conversation to distract himself.

“It’s what people do. And Myra pursued me and I just thought okay this is happening now. It’s what… you know, was expected.” Richie scoffed,

“That’s really fucking romantic, man.”

“Says the guy who just bragged about railing a woman over dinner with friends he hasn’t seen in two decades.” Richie did feel ashamed. Eddie was right, he had denigrated Alise and that was something she didn’t deserve. She was great, she… Eddie’s voice broke in, “Are you gay, too? Was that all pretend with that woman?” 

“No.” Richie shook his head. “I think I’m--- I like both?” He ended the statement as a question, but as he did he realized it was correct. In saying it he felt a sort of validation of that was completely unfamiliar to him. It was a relief to finally admit it aloud. Eddie was silent for a moment, but then he said,

“This is so fucked.” And after a pause he said, “Will you hold me?” Richie’s heart soared and nodded and put one arm around him, his heart pounding. It felt like home. He felt safe, warm and familiar. Eddie snuggled into him and Richie’s heart started to beat faster. Richie was nervous. He didn’t know how to hold a man. Was it that much different?

Eddie laid his head on Richie’s chest and closed his eyes. “We could die tomorrow.” Richie didn’t know what to say. He had never been great at comforting anyone. And in this situation maybe there was no comfort to be had. “I have always wondered what it’s like to be with a man.” Eddie said after a pause, and Richie stiffened, his cock already responding. He gulped audibly and felt embarrassed by the noise. 

“What?” He squeaked, caught completely off guard. 

“You could show me.” Eddie said, still not looking at him.

“I… I’ve never…” There he was speechless again. He grasped to find the words. “You really want---?” Then finally he said, “We could find out together.” Then Eddie turned his head and they locked eyes and something took hold of Richie. He kissed Eddie passionately, letting his feelings take over. Nothing had ever felt so  _ right _ . They both might die. It could be their last night on Earth. Why not spend it with the man who could be the love of his life? How perfect it was going to be to have this new experience with him. It was happening, he couldn’t believe it was happening.

Eddie’s tongue slipped into his mouth and Richie felt like he might come immediately, his excitement was building so quickly. They tasted each other, drank deeply from each other. Kissing him was not like kissing women. Eddie’s just tasted  _ different.  _ Richie could not have explained how. Sighing, he moved to suck on Eddie’s earlobe, his teeth grazing it gently. Eddie moaned and Richie’s cock responded, immediately erect. Eddie broke the kiss, 

“Your fucking stubble, man. It’s scratchy.” He said, rubbing his face with one of his hands and laughing. 

“Want me to shave?” Richie asked desperately. He would do anything to kiss him more. 

"No, I like it.” 

“Then stop fucking complaining.” Richie joked and moved in to kiss him again. He eagerly kissed Eddie's neck, down to his collar. He had no idea what he was doing, but he didn’t care. He was used to being in the driver’s seat with women, but everything about this was new to him. Eddie’s skin felt different, and his touch was rougher. And there was a distinct energy in the room Richie felt was almost palpable. Their love was about to become absolutely real. 

They worked each other's shirts off and Richie rolled on top, loving the feeling of Eddie’s skin on his. And Eddie was surprisingly in shape, with nicely shaped arms and abs. Richie guessed that must be part of his hypochondria. Exercise was necessary for good health. Whatever needed to be done to save himself from dreaded sickness would be done.

Richie unbuttoned Eddie’s pants as fast as he could, overcome by the desire to have it in him. When he freed his cock, he took it in his mouth. He had no confidence in what he was doing, but he tried his best to emulate the best blowjob he had received. The scent, the smell, and the taste… all of it was fucking hot. Part of him couldn’t believe that he was sucking cock, but his mind had absolutely no objections to it.  _ Why has it taken me this long to do this?  _

He concentrated on doing things that women did which drove him crazy.  _ Special attention to the underside of the head, make eye contact.  _ He coached himself as he worked. The mechanics of it might have been unfamiliar to him, but one thing was; the passion of it.  _ Turns out sucking cock is really fun.  _

As Eddie’s moans became more intense, Richie got nervous about what was going to happen next. He had always taken for granted that the women he’d been with had a plan for dealing with his come. Finally, he decided to swallow. He had tasted his own in women’s mouths. That meant he was prepared, right? When Eddie did orgasm, Richie felt immediately out of his league as the hot bursts reached his mouth. But he managed and after he swallowed he felt accomplished. 

“Holy shit, I just swallowed cum.” Richie laughed, as he looked up at Eddie. Locking eyes with him brought the feeling that his chest was being compressed. How could a man be so beautiful?  _ That’s it, I’m a man who fucks around other men now.  _ That horrible voice in his head taunted. He had to stop himself from physically shaking his head. But he defeated the thought.  _ This is normal. This is good. This is love.  _

“And you were fucking good at it, too.” Eddie ran his hand through Richie’s hair and then said, “Okay, your turn.” Eddie said and Richie shivered.

It was not the best blowjob of his life, but the level of sincerity in the act was completely endearing.  _ He could get tips from Alise if they ever met.  _ Thinking about her in the current circumstances jolted Richie. Should he feel guilty? Everything regarding her was confused in his mind. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’d leave Myra for you if you asked me to.” Eddie said afterward, cuddling into Richie’s chest. Richie felt his entire body tense up again, but he took a deep breath and made himself relax. He loved him. Everything was going to be alright. 

“Let’s wait until we make it out to make any solid plans.” He said, recognizing the familiar words.  _ I’m trying to bail.  _

“You don’t want to? Oh, your girlfriend.” Eddie said, his voice suddenly sounding small.

“She’s not my---” But she was something to him. “Just don’t make such a rash decision about your marriage.”

“I don’t love her.” Eddie repeated.

“But leaving her for me? I’m not worth it. I’m an asshole. I’m a loser---”  _ That word again.  _ And why was he trying to talk Eddie out of this when he so badly wanted whatever he could get with him? What was this impulse in him?

“Richie, we’re both Losers. And I know you. Yeah, you are fucked up, but you are also wonderful, you are… you.” Richie felt as if he was melting as the words enveloped him. This was heaven. The horrors of Pennywise seemed so far away they almost didn’t seem real.  _ We’ll face whatever it is in the morning. And we will have each other. That’s all that counts.  _

As he lay with Eddie, drifting off to sleep he tried to ignore the cloud that still hung over them despite their brief interlude. When they woke up it would be time to face their fears, he realized with immense trepidation. But for the time being, he was wrapped up with his lover. 

As his eyes started to close, a thought occurred to him. How was he ever going to explain this to Alise? It might crush her. He felt guilty for forgetting her, even if it was only momentarily, but he hadn’t done anything wrong as far as their agreement was concerned, as long as he told her about it when he got back. But being with Eddie would mean he’d had to give her up. He simply didn’t want to.That was something else he’d have to sort out later. Meanwhile, evil was waiting for them.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little rough. Warnings: mentions of suicide and use of a homophobic slur

Although Richie spent most of the night in Eddie’s arms, he decided it was best to leave before the others might wake up. The thought of their new relationship or whatever it was made him feel elated, but he was simply not ready to tell the world. He didn’t even know what it meant to himself or even about himself.  _ I love a man. That’s true. What does that make me?  _ He thought after he had kissed Eddie goodbye.  _ I’ll figure it out later. I can’t deal with it right now.  _ He decided to shelve the issue.  _ Possible death now, love will wait.  _

He went to his own bed at 4am, knowing that they had all agreed to meet downstairs at 5. It wasn’t a completely unreasonable time considering the time difference between there and Los Angeles, to contact Alise, so he texted her.

_ \---Shit in Derry is fucked up. I will tell you all about it when I come home. I miss you _

He felt horrible saying only that to her after what had happened. But there was no way he would tell her everything in a text, even if he was planning on telling her half of the things that happened in Derry.  _ Now you have hurt her just like you always said you would. Did you think you could avoid it by being open about it? You probably fucking made it happen by keeping it in your head. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  _ And why hadn’t she answered yet? She was probably already done with him. He wished for her sake that she was. He hoped that she was moving on and would continue to heal after what that abusive fucking ex had done with her.  _ Maybe after I take out this monster I can go take out another in California. I wouldn’t even have to be involved in her life again. I could just kill him and do her a favor. She would never have to worry about him again and she could be happy. She deserves to be. She deserves to be much happier than I could ever make her.  _ Richie thought sadly.  _ But how much happier are you going to make Eddie?  _ He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.  _ Alise seemed happy enough.  _ Seemed? Was she really though? How much better would he do with Eddie? 

Being with Eddie had been magical. One thing was for certain, they had chemistry. And even though neither of them had any experience, it had still been wonderful. Thinking about him made Richie feel lightheaded. He loved Eddie with a love that scared him. But they were also in real danger.  _ What if I lost him?  _ The thought absolutely terrified him and he felt himself start to breath faster as his mouth went dry.  _ But you need to sleep. _ His rational brain told him. With an effort, he started to breathe more intentionally. Although he shut his eyes, he was unable to tell later if he had slept at all.

He met the others in the lobby at the appointed time. He was the second to last to appear. Bill was the last, showing up somehow looking more sleep deprived than all the others did. Richie wondered if he had had some type of argument with his wife. It wouldn’t be very surprising. She was a famous actress, Audra something. If the rumors about the behavior of actors were anywhere near true than she was probably even more fucked up and demanding than Richie himself was. Actors definitely had comedians beaten in that respect.

Mike led them through the streets of Derry, the six of them following him dutifully. Richie was convinced that no one but Mike had any idea where they were headed, but still they trusted him blindly.  _ Mike was the patient and rational one. He wouldn’t lead us anywhere that dangerous.  _ The thought surprised Richie as almost all of the memories coming back had. How did he know that? Even though the memories were still trickling in, the entire experience of having them restored like that was surreal. The novelty had not worn off and he wasn’t sure that it would.

They wandered through a stretch of a field and Richie realized it was what they had called the Barrens as children. They had spent a lot of time there. Some of that time had been innocent, but mostly he remembered a feeling of being locked inside some kind of epic struggle. He was still not sure exactly what it had been with. The very thought was suffocating. Had he ever had time to be a child? No wonder he was as fucked up as he had become. 

And then Mike helped them discover their clubhouse again and more memories came flooding back. Stan and his shower caps. Stan had always been ridiculously neat.  _ When we went into the sewer he cried because he was wet and dirty, not because of fright.  _ Then why had he done what he had done? He was a coward. Richie had been right to brand him the weakest.  _ And then the next weakest is Eddie.  _ The thought upset him so much he nearly started to hyperventilate again, but he was able to fight it off. Eddie was a grown man now and surely not as bad of a hypochondriac than he had been as a child.  _ Think happier thoughts about him.  _

He remembered a play fight over a hammock between them when they were boys and Eddie’s feet clad only in socks, knocking his glasses off. He remembered being so excited that he was touching his crush that any display of anger had been fake. His young heart had been overflowing with love for Eddie and after the night before his adult heart was as well. He could not imagine how it was possible that he had managed to forget Eddie. Magic or not, this type of love was so overwhelming that it was hard to imagine he had ever been without it. It consumed him. Every time he turned to look at Eddie he felt it. And somehow the sense that they were heading into an epic adventure was amplifying it. Miraculously, he was having no problem with his heart holding feelings for both Alise and Eddie in it. Because at that point he was sure. He loved her, too. The space between them had made it obvious. Just yesterday he would have said that he was a cold monster who loved no one, but now he loved two people.  _ What a fucking wild turn of events. _

He didn’t know what would happen once they were out, if they even managed to survive. If both he and Eddie managed to live, he would figure it out. He was not optimistic enough to imagine that they could plan anything yet. If he returned to L.A. he would confess everything to Alise and leave what happened after that up to her. If she could live with him having another lover, that would be ideal. Was that insane? And how might Eddie react to that? But with how his love life usually turned out, she would probably ditch him as soon as she found out what happened with Eddie. He wanted to cry at the thought of losing either of them. Dying here might be better than that. 

When Mike said that they should split up, Richie had at first assumed he was joking. That was the horror movie cliché, the one thing you should definitely never do. Yet there was Mike suggesting it, acting as if there was a logical reason for them to do it. When Mike reminded them all that they had not faced the demon together all summer, Richie’s face stung with the memory of Bill punching him. Once again, he was stunned that he could forget something like that. It was not the only time in his life he had been hit. His mouth had gotten him into trouble more times than he could possibly count. Sometimes he antagonized guys at bars just to see what would happen. This practice had led to more than a few cut lips and a black eye here and there. But Bill had been the first person he actually cared about that had hit him. It had stung way more than the impact itself. He had trusted Bill with his life and then he had done that. Was that what it was like for Alise the first time her ex hit her? 

He felt a cold chill of anger pass through his spine and he clenched his fist at the thought. An image of Alise, naked in bed, so soft and vulnerable came to his mind. What monster could ever do that to her? She was not exactly delicate, but she was beautiful and such a good person that he could never imagine wanting to hurt her like that.  _ If I ever meet him, I’ll fucking kill him. _ The thought surprised him. He had never before felt the urge to protect someone like that, but yet there it was. 

Eventually he did take off on his own and at first he walked aimlessly through the town. but before he knew it, he realized he was headed somewhere. It was to the Aladdin theater, which was shuttered. He tried the door and was shocked that it opened. The place was dusty and appeared to have been closed at some point in the 80s. The marquee outside still advertised Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child. Close to the title of the good one, but not quite. Everyone knew the best Nightmare movie was Dream Warriors.

Inside he was startled by the sight of the Street Fighter arcade game. Another memory took over. This was where he had felt his first sexual stirrings. For boys. He reminded himself.  _ I am so bi. _ He thought, almost grinning. But then the more unpleasant memories flooded in. 

One day he had been playing the game with a cute boy. It had mostly been innocent. Sure, he was attractive, but Richie had been struggling to repress that. It was friendly. He just wanted the kid to like them. But then Bowers had emerged from seeing a movie and reclaimed the boy, his fucking cousin. Faggot. He had called Richie that. Richie remembered with overwhelming shame. Because although he had not consciously been attempting to do anything with him that seed was always in his brain. That defect could never leave him. It was part of him. It was shameful and wrong and he needed to hide it. In the present, he squeezed his eyes shut tightly and whispered “No.” He hadn’t done anything wrong. It was an innocent crush.Having an attraction to men was not a perversion.  _ Think of something happier. _ He urged himself. 

And then he remembered games with Eddie.  _ If we were children here in 2017 he’d be my boyfriend and neither of us would feel any shame about it.  _ Time was cruel like that _. But we’re not. We’re adults. And I’m not ready to let the rest of my friends know about it. _ He and Eddie had agreed it was best to keep it quiet for now. Part of Richie believed that Eddie would back out of wanting to leave his wife. But also Richie was still ashamed to have it in the open. As much as he told himself that being attracted to men was nothing to hide, he still did not completely believe it. He had seen what happened to gay men in Derry. That lesson had been internalized thoroughly.  _ And I’m not gay, but it won’t make a difference. I wouldn’t be able to say but wait, I fuck chicks, too. I’d just be fucking dead. _ Wasn’t that what had brought them here, or what had notified Mike that the evil was back? A man had been brutally murdered for daring to hold his boyfriend’s hand in the street. It was no wonder Richie had not been able to accept that part of himself. The world did not make it easy. 


End file.
